Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-01-11 03:03:20 (UTC)

Can I Break The Cycle? Fight The Darkness??

Maybe I should define my two definitions of darkness..

Darkness 1- This is the darkness i embrace... My lover in a
weird way. It is a beautiful darkness that I live in, that
moves through me..

Darkness 2- Depression.. The wave of depressive darkness
that controls my mind and my actions..

Confusing I know..

Yay.. 7 More days till i leave for Utah... I know I dont
sound excited but i am.. It will be good to get away and be
with new people.. Plus I have the long drive to help clear
my head.. Tho Im not sure its safe to clear my head.. Demons
might escape and harm..

I thought my relationship status of the day might change
after I slept but it didnt.. I thought talking would help
but everyone talks to me for like 3 minutes then abandons
me.. Maybe i should stop talking to people... They obviosly
want nothing to do with me or they wouldnt abandon me
without saying goodbye.. Guess we know who our true friends
are.. Or at least who our stalkers are..


I need to hold on for another 11 days.. I cant give in to
the darkness just yet.. Cant break my promice.. Must go to
Utah and return.. Then the darkness can engulf me and make
me its slave.. Maybe then it will give me the courage I
need..


Cutting Status:

Not a pleasant status I know but it needed to be added.. The
urge.. the addiction is eating away at me.. I have read
other peoples journals.. people who cut and discuss it.. Ive
been to webpages.. You would think reading all that I could
lose the urge.. But no.. Its stronger.. I need it.. I want
it.. Someone.. Please help me..

I am losing my mind.. Please.. everyone.. Run away from me..
leave me in my personal exile.. Let me deal with this on my
own.. Your "help", your stares, your whispers... They arent
doing me ANY FUCKIN GOOD.. please.. leave me to die or
live..whatever i choose.. just leave me alone.. quit
pretending you care..