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2002-01-11 01:39:30 (UTC)

Mistakes -------- 10th

Last night I made the second biggest mistake of my
life...then today...I made the first.

Last night I told Jess it was over. I told her I could no
longer be responsible for hurting her or her family. Anyway
I wrote this big long letter and in the end it said that we
woudl still be friends...but no more hugs and kisses. She
was so upset. She bawled her eyes out, went downstairs and
yelled at her mom and told her what I had said...and I
couldn't help but think that I should never have done that
to her. We ended up "stopping" time (she pulled the plugs
on all of the clocks in her room) because I told her at
midnight no more. It didn't work. The more I talked to
her...the more I realized that it wasn't her that needed was me that needed her. She sacrificed so much to
be with me and to keep me alive...and now all of a sudden I
was telling her that everything she had done for me was
nothing. I faught with myself and my hormones all night
about it and then I would tell her to stop and then she
wouldn't because I knew how much it hurt her. There was so
many things going through my head last night...and I felt
guilty because she let me kiss her (french) and I felt like
the only reason she did it was because I told her I wanted
too. I really think that the only reason she did it was to
keep me with her. Then I told her that this morning when we
woke up...then it would be over.

Once again I faught with myself saying that I would stay
for always and then telling her it was over. Finally I was
trying to convince her that it just had to end because of
what everyone was saying and that it was just going to hurt
her in the end. She never listens. So we cuddled for
awhile, never went to school because I just wanted to be
with her. So we get to my house after the mall tonight.
This is my FIRST big mistake. We were in my bed kissing.
The more it went on the more I "wanted" her. Well...I got
almost everything I wanted. I started kissing her, then I
started kissing her neck. I loved every part of it. Her
smell, her taste. But I didn't want to do it because I knew
how scared she was last night when we kissed and there was
no way I was going to scare or hurt her like that again. So
I kept stopping and asking her if she wanted me to stop.
She kept saying no, I kept telling her to tell me to stop
because I knew that unless she said it...I wouldn't have
been able to. And I wasn't able to. I kept kissing lower
and lower and then I was almost kissing her breasts. I
asked her if I could...she said yes...and well take a
guess. I was kissing her and I loved it. I could get into
details but I know Jess is going to read this and I don't
think she wants to hear details about how I was feeling.

Even sitting here right now...I can still smell her and the
taste of her sits on my lips. I want her to come back over
tonight...just so I can be with her. I don't want her to
come back over though because I am scared that something
else might happen and I know it wont ruin our friendship. I
know it won't ruin anything...but I don't want to because I
am scared that the only reason she lets me do anything to
her is because she wants to keep me...and I can't let that
happen. I can't hurt her. But I want her. God I am so
confused. I love her...but at the same time I want to hate
her just so I don't hurt her anymore. I love you Jess