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i am not you

jan 10. had a friend over for tea, and we talked for a
little while about stuff. how cute, but now i feel dumber
somehow. it wasnt intelligent, or interesting. we just
rehashed trivial stuff about people that don't really
matter to either of us for a while. what the fuck for??
this friend, i just don't understand...why not DO
something!! take charge and actually do something with your
life. even if that means breaking the monotony of the life
that was, as she put it: "handed to her on a silver
platter". i mean, you see that youre unsatisfied, you know
why, and yet the idea of breaking out of the shell,
costume, uniform..its too much of a risk to take. how the
fuck can you sleep at night? or more like, how can you
stay awake during the day? aren't you utterly, completely
bored?? i guess, just pacified. at age 21.
congradulations. i wonder why we're friends, and i think
its because we are familiar and we smile alot and are
safe. so be it i suppose. as a friendship, this is
definately an exception in my life. because too many sweet
conversations and tea parties will increase feelings of
dumbness to dangerous levels. i mighteven begin growing my
hair long again, or wearing clothes that look but don't
feel good. i might begin having fashion sense and even
tangible goals..reasonable priorities. a routine. fun won't
be an obstacle anymore...with spontenaity and passion out
of the way i can be effectively normal. unsatisfied. just
like you priscilla.