myrddyn

reflections from the kiddie pool
2002-01-10 17:18:32 (UTC)

Mixed msg from old flame


What does it mean when an ex-girlfriend who is now engaged
says she is thinking about me? She is coming in from out
of town this weekend and wants me to stop by for a small
party Sunday with her family and fiance.

Background:
This is a girl I dated for a couple months in high school.
We broke up after about 3 months (standard high
school/college relationship length for me), never had sex.
Took a couple more months to figure out what a fucknut I
had been, then tried to win her back over the summer.
Unfortunately either (a) she wasn't interested at the time,
or (b) (as she claimed later), she didn't realize that was
my intent (i.e. I wasn't direct enough).

I go to college, she has one more year of school then goes
to a different college. We see each other maybe once or
twice during the college years.

I can't remember when it started to change. I think I went
to see her once, and I could feel the old spark between
us. Thereafter, even though we knew there was something
there, the 'timing' was never right. Either she was dating
someone, or I was dating someone, or something. Then I got
engaged, and later married (see previous entries).

During this time we kept in contact, usually very
flirtatious. I see her about once a year, first in the
open, now usually in secret because of my wife, who doesn't
understand how anyone can still be friends with an ex. She
can't stand any of her ex's, so the concept of me still
being friends with any of mine is simply so foreign and
threatening to her that I am forbidden to be in contact
with her. The three of us got together once, I can't
remember if is was before or after I got married. My wife
was further threatened by her excellent physical
appearance. She found some of my flirtatious
correspondence with her once, that didn't go over well.

My wife hates her, I think mostly because she suspects that
somewhere inside myself, I still have feelings for her.
She's right, of course.

Last year this ex told me she got engaged. I saw her once
after that. It doesn't matter when I see her, it always
seems like that old spark is still there. She said once
that she didn't think it would work between us, because I'm
near home and she wants to be where it's warm.

So that's the background.

She is now coming up here to see her mother, and there is
going to be a small party with her and her fiance and some
family and maybe a friend or two. She wants me to come by
if I can, made some mention of the wife coming too even
though she knows my wife would never come, and would never
allow me to go.

And she's been thinking about me. Unfortunately that
phrase was dealt out without any context. Has she been
thinking we shouldn't be in touch any more? Now that she's
getting married, is she reminiscing about the times we were
together? Or has she been thinking about me because she
has feelings for me? No context = too much speculation!

The Truth:

She is my Daphne.

I guess you really only understand that if you're a Frasier
fan. Every time we're together, it is as if I'm Niles--
from back when he was still with Merris, and then Mel. So
many things I want to say, but never do. Such powerful
emotions, and longing, bottled away, hoping for
reincarnation in another life where things are different.
Only my ending isn't written by NBC. Did those writers
know how many heart strings they would be pulling with
their storyline? I can only imagine how many men in
America are in the same position I am, not being able to
turn that show off no matter how sad it makes us. It's
different now, of course, because the plot has developed as
it had to, but I could watch those old episodes forver.

I'm such a chickenshit. I hate myself for it. I
rationalize by saying that I'm with the devil I know, which
by default is better than the devil I don't, and that
everything is safe and cozy and I don't want to rock the
fucking boat because the grass isn't always greener on the
other side. Then I want to split myself in half just so I
can turn to myself and say Fuck You, you dumb fuck. That
is the cheap and easy and unhappy way out because you never
complete the 'what ifs' in your head and you die with
them. I'm actually shaking with pent up emotion as I write
this.

I have often thought that between us, there is something
that transcends normal societal pidgeonholes. That we both
feel a certain way about the other, that exists slightly
above and beyond all of the things that would otherwise
cause it not to be so, such as one or both of us being
married. That's fantasy of course, but one I cling ot
mercilessly and somehow cannot shake.

You know, you are only on this fucking ball of rock for so
long. How long before you look back and know that you
wasted so much of it. If she lived up here I would
probably be divorced, but it is impossible to know that.
Maybe not, or maybe so. Or maybe my feelings for her are
just a dream I can use to escape my current life. It
certainly seems real enough, a testament either to my
imagination or to my crummy life (at least as I tend to see
it more often than not yet without the courage to make the
big changes I think would be necessary to really make a
difference).

I firmly believe that the strongest emotion in the universe
is regret. Because when it is all said and done, that's
what you're left with. The things you didn't or couldn't
do or couldn't or didn't get to say. All of these people
who say they have no regrets are full of fucking shit.
Those people have more than anyone else, they just can't
allow themselves to admit it. Remember, regret is a
feeling you get when you wish you could have done something
differently. Everyone feels that, at one point or another,
and you don't always have the opportunity to make it right,
but it is a feeling you can shake even if you know there is
nothing you can do about it now.

Conclusion:

So I'm going to see her Sunday, if only for a short time.
It'll be under the guise of a lie, of course, and I
probably won't stay much longer than for her to say
whatever she has to say, and to see her. But I can't not
go. Daphne calls too strong, even if the news turns out to
be bad. In the end, before I go, I can't believe it would
be that. I still may have time to get some clarification
by e-mail, as I don't know if I can stand the suspense for
72 more hours.




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