Christine

Visions Of Life
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2002-01-10 14:27:58 (UTC)

Just Another Depressive Writing

I wrote This Last Night...

How many times am I going to let the same person break my
heart? How much more pain can I take before I snap?
Isolation seems like the best thing right now. Human contact
hurts too much. Love. Friendship. Companionship. i hate them
all right now. I wish I didnt care so much for others. Maybe
if I was a cold hearted bitch, people wouldnt hurt me as
much. But I am not that way. I love everyone. But I can no
longer believe that human beings are generally good and pure
in heart. For every good person I meet, i find 1000 others
who lurk in the sunlight, waiting to rip my heart out and
devour it. Its just too exhausting. Life, is too exhausting.

I dont consider myself good or pure of heart. I have too
many demons inside. i try to be good but I am much too
selfish, greedy, evil, etc. Okay, here is an example of how
selfish I am. I have been semi suicidal almost everyday now.
The thing that keeps me alive is the fact that I feel my
death will affect others in horrible, crippling ways. i
mean, how high and mighty doi think I am, assuming my
actions will affect the actions of others? Its horrible!

Most of the time I think I am a horrible and selfish person.
The majority of my life is a lie. I have created this
alternate person with an alternate life that I become when
Im around family and alot of my "friends". People who have
met me in the last month or so know the real me and so do
two of my other friends. Everyone else in my life knows the
"perfect" me. The one in school with the perfect grades who
is ALWAYS happy. How can I tell them i am a loser? A fuckup.
A drain on society who is suicidal. Hmmm.. soubnds like the
perfect daughter to me..

I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont know who to
trust, who to let close or how to break this spell of
darkness. I hope that sometimes soon I will get the nerve to
listen and obey the voices in my head but until that day,
all I can do is suffer.


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