2002-01-10 13:04:12 (UTC)

Manic downfall....

I have Bi-Polar Manic Depression. I have for a long long
time, and it's not getting easier for me. It helps to
write about it. I'm a straight A student at Kings
College. And that's where I'm at right now. Anyway, so
the point is, is that I've not had a single friend in four
years. It gets harder and harder having to go through the
motions all by myself. I come home crying almost every
single day. And it's not like I don't try to make friends,
because I do. I've tried everything. I'm nice to everyone
I meet. When I get on my little "Manic High" and start
feeling like I'm superhuman, I do have the feelings of hey
I must be better, but I never ever talk bad about anyone.
This is the first real downslide I've had since I started
here at Kings. It's so difficult to deal with myself when
I'm like this. All I keep thinking about is how I'm not
good enough for anyone or anything. The only thing keeping
me at least a little "alive" is my boyfriend. That's
another thing... I've never been "friend" material, but
always girlfriend material. I've never understood that...
For a lot of people it's the other way around. Or so I
understand, I wouldn't know because I have no close
interaction with anybody. I wish someone knew how I feel
about anything and everything. I know I keep saying It's
hard, but oh my god, it's to the point of unbearable. I'm
looking into finding a support group, and I hope I can find
one. If not, I don't know what I'll do... I mean my
boyfriend is great to talk to and all, but sometimes I just
need a fresh ear to re-tell all my stuff to. My boyfriend
is also Bi-Polar and with our mood swings, we end up very
close one minute then having a bad fight for no reason what-
so-ever. I guess the good part about all that is that he
can truely understand me... I know I'm rambling on and on
about all this, but since I started this HEAVY downswing,
it's all I can think about. Anyway, I guess it's helped to
vent a little...