rickalos

Confused...a lot

John. John Berry. WHY do I find him so wonderful? I have
been trying to get it straight since the day I met him and
cannot for the life of me figure it out. He's too
perfect. BUT...he is straight and I am gay. Go figure.
And chicks always say all the hot guys are gay. Well
obviously they have no idea what they're talking about.
Because as I see it, being a homosexual - the hot guys are
always the straight untouchable ones - and they are ALWAYS
the ones you end up falling for. I am sure any gay guy
could see my point here.

Then again, I am almost 25 years old...live it in a fucking
shithole town and the straight to gay ratio is about 30 to
1. I have no life here. Work and sleep, work and sleep -
everyday and occaisionally find the time to kick back with
friends and get hammered or find something somewhat amusing
to do.

Then there's my boyfriend - Jason. Wonderful and not so
wonderful at the same time. I love him to death - dont get
me wrong, but seriously, I have the most overwhelming
feeling I am being cheated on. I can't shake it. I have
tried and tried...obviously there is something wrong
there.

But about John. He is the perfect man - the HOTTEST man on
Earth. Unfortunately, he prides himself on his
heterosexualality and loves titties way too much. However,
I must get to him in some way. John kisses me. All the
time. We make out, we feel each other up...we've even
gotten naked in the hot tub together. Ok, most people
would say - well he's gay if he kisses you, etc. But I
honestly think that he is just so flattered that I think of
him the way I do.
He has a girlfriend, Emily - whom I've never met. He
doesn't want to be with her though (John's history with
women should go into the "Guys Women Should Never Date"
handbook).

I don't know. He's told me - "Rickie, if I were gay you
know I'd be with you." Hahaha. It's a horrible thing
being gay. If I could go back and undo it, I so would.
But, alas I was born this way and really can't do anything
about. But seriously - gay men have 50% more stress than
straight men and we smoke 10% more often too - which is
weird. I just quit today - yeah right. I really need to
though. I'm trying.

John. If there was only a way I could let him inside of my
head for just a day - just so he could rummage through my
thoughts about him. My attraction isn't just his physical
appearance, although if there was a "Mark Hoppus (lead
singer singer of Blink 182) look alike contest, Johny would
definitely win - hands down. I have these FEELINGS for
him...he's perfect in every way. He's obnoxious, but
serious, flattering, funny as hell, dresses to kill for,
smells wonderful - he even has perfect ears and toes.
There isn't one thing about him I can't stand - NOTHING!!!

Ugh! I don't know what to do. I am sure he knows I have
SOMETHING for him, although I've never admitted it to him -
but I know he knows there is some attraction there, and I
think he uses it against me. It's fucked up. I can't even
sit here and write down my exact thoughts about him -
there's no way I can really describe it.

Oh well. This has been a very long first entry, but I
guess I do feel a lot better after sitting here and venting
it all out. Not sure if anyone is going to read it or now,
but I still feel somewhat better nonetheless. Later.