fucked up
2002-01-10 07:13:50 (UTC)


I have mojor depression. Now i have been diagnosed with
bi-polar. I am suiciadal. At this verry moment i wont do
anything. Usually i don't. But at any given time if i
were to dye i would be truly happy. last year at the end
of october i was so suicidal i was checked into a
hospital. I was severely mutilating myself. I snuck in
sharp objects and cut myself even in the hospital. I was
there for a week and then they said they would let me out
in a few days. I said why the hell not now??(i was 17 so
i could check myself out.) they said that if i tryed to
check myself out they would be forced to call the police,
have me arested and brought back in, and then i would go
to court to see how long i should stay. The narowed down
a few days to the next day. It was a friday. I left
mainly because i wanted a cig. That monday night i
checked back in. After a week in there they transfered me
to austin state hospital (ash). I was there for about a
week. did absolutly nothing. i had quit cutting before i
even went in there. They said they were going to let me
out the next day. I freaked. Was i ok to go back?? or
would i secret want to take a knife and go hide in my room
to use it. I was ok. I didn't cut anymore. But i tried
to commit suicide. I took well over 100 pills. You
swallow 100 pills in under 5 min. I was taking more than
20 pills a minute and talking on the phone at the same
time. I called up my boyfriend, broke up. Called all of
my good friends, and told them that i was starting my life
over and that to do that i couldn't be friends with them.
The whole point of killing myself is to take me away from
pane, but since i always think of others before myself i
never did anything about it. Untill then. Even then
though i tried to eas the blow by acting like a scanky
bitch who didn't like anyone. That way they would not be
so bad when they heard " your friend died of an
overdose" Rose was funny. She said.."well im not your
boy friend so you can't break up with me" i replyed by
saying that i was breaking up our friendship and she just
said that we weren't going out so breaking up wasn't an
option. The next day i woke to the dissapointment of
still being alive. i told my mom the night before what i
had done. She said it was too bad that you couldn't
overdose on anti-depressants. Major lye. I threw up all
night. in the morning at about 3 i went to throw out a
bag of throw up. I woke up in the hall way with the dog
next to me. I stood up. I woke up about 2 feet from
there. Stood up. Woke up right infront of the door.
Stood up went outside threw it away and went back to sleep
in bed. At 7 my mom came in to get me up for school. I
told her i couldn't walk. She didn't understand.
needless to say i didn't go to school. I called eric on
the phone and told him i was sorry for what i said. And i
told him what i did. He asked if i was ok and i replyed
yea " im just going to go upstairs and go to bed" First
of all i was in bed. Second of all...i live in a one
storie house. He said he was coming over. I was so out of
it it wasn't even funny. I said something about needing a
spoon for my brownie and a couple of other things.
Everytime i tried to sit up i was automaticly laying down
again. Rose came and visited me and spent the night at my
house. We had been talking about bagels. The next
morning i got up and went to the kitchen to see if we had
any. Rose woke up and told me i wasn't alowed to be
physically alone. She asked me how i was feeling. All of
a suddenn i told her i was dizzy. I woke up on the floor
with the dog by my face and rose and eric at my feet.
They asked if i was ok. I said yea i just layed down to
go to sleep. Rose told me i passed out. i denied it at
first then realized that that was the only possible answer
to why i was on the floor but didn't remember going
there. I must have been passing out when i was trying to
throw away the bag of throw up.
I havn't tried since then. I still had cut myself
every once in a while. then i got stopped. I started
about a week ago but quit a few days after.
I'm tired and my head hurts. im gong to bed. Good
night and sweat dreams all.