Thoughts from Blue Angel
2002-01-10 05:45:47 (UTC)

The First Difficulty

I'm really kind of depressed right now. My floor had a
program tonight. We made boxes and wrote a note to
everyone else and put it in their box. The notes were
supposed to be things that would brighten everyone's day- a
compliment, a happy memory...

I didn't know what to say to anyone. And by reading their
notes, they didn't know what to say to me. It hurts that
we aren't close, because some of them used to be my really
good friends.

Then, some guy who I used to talk to on the internet a lot
sent me a message. We got to talking, and apparently,
*someone* told him that I was a slut. Come to find out, it
was my cousin, who has also been a huge bitch to my
sister. Needless to say, that made me crankier.

So now I'm down. I'm talking to Tyler, and I caught myself
telling him about the boxes. When he started to talk about
it, I realized that I was breaking my resolution, and I
quickly closed up and put the smile back in my tone (if you
can have a tone on the internet) as quickly as I could. It
was hard... He made some comment about how he's always
worried when he knows a friend is hurt. It took all of my
might, but I simply told him that I'm not hurt. Life is
peachy keen.

It hurt to close up like that. But it would have hurt more
to whine... considering that he means well, but he just
doesn't know what to say. He makes it into a debate. He
never just tries to empathize.

We're still talking, and it's still hard to keep up with
the smiling... but it's getting easier. I've been writing
here so that I don't vent there. And as I force myself to
tell him and everyone else that I'm happy, I feel better.

So, I think I've gotten through my first really tough night
of keeping the resolution. Now, I'm going to go to bed,
and in the morning, it will have all gone away.