The Shadow of Myself
2002-01-10 05:17:38 (UTC)

a little piece of me...

Well now... life is just a big big uncertain blob. It's
kinda annoying how just when you feel like you have
something figured out.. or something under control.. you
lose it somehow.

I feel like my whole life I've had to convice myself of
things. Things that I should never have to convince myself
are true or aren't true. I've always got something on my
mind.. or an issue.. and it's like I have to tell myself
how to feel. I think I'm afraid to let my real feelings go
b/c I don't trust anyone to fully understand how I'm

What I really want is to be able to tell everyone exactly
how I feel all the time but I can't for two reasons. One
is.. I don't think I know how to.. I think I've lost that
ability b/c I've forced it away for too long. The other is
I just know that there is no way I could explain myself in
a way that they could understand. So I feel helpless and
lost in myself.... like I'm the only one who really knows..
and could ever know all of the truth.

I want to know someone in a way that no one else knows
them. I want to be able to share the parts of me I don't
know how to share. I want to know why I deny myself true
feelings that if I let go of would be completely amazing.
I'm so scared of being that open. Instead of being lost in
myself.. I want to get lost in someone else. Just to see
what it's like...

Well.. things are definately different. Besides changing..
I'm seeing things.. I'm understanding that I really don't
understand anything at all. It's possible I don't know
what I want.. in fact I would say it's more than possible.
All I think I want could be fleeting thoughts of the
moment. Perhaps something I'll never think of the same
again. I can't keep up with myself. All is want is
something that I don't know... something that I hope I'll
find soon.

Hopefully.. somehow I'll shed my fear of letting someone
know something. Something that is really important to me.
But it's just so weird how far away you can push something
that is so huge in your mind. Maybe I'm the only one who
does that... maybe not. Whatever the case.. I feel like
I'm the only one who does the things that I do.

I'm just too dramatic.. I think too much about
everything... maybe someday it'll lead me to a conclusion..
a very final conclusion that will give me some peace of

Ad:0 - Modern SaaS monitoring for your servers, cloud and services