2002-01-10 04:19:24 (UTC)

sooo today was really bad. i..

today was really bad.
i had one of the most stressful horrible days today.
christina went with me to go see emily and it all went
fucking down hill from there.
i dont know what i was thinking.
thinking that it would be cool.
thinking that it was a good idea.
and not thinking about even ASKING my girlfriend if it was
alright with her.
yes. yes. ashley.
i am supposed to be the considerate one.
the responsible one.
the one that doesnt fuck up.
i dont fuck up.
and i did.
i did and im mad at myself for it.
i dont know what the fuck i was thinking.
and i dont like that.
i dont like not having control.
and i did not.
all day.

-she just fucking called me ash.
fuck that.-

it was like two different worlds of mine were colliding
and just slamming into one another all day
all damn day
i didnt like it.

"today was like the good old times ashes"

yeah, but not. not at all actually.
i dont feel like i belong with her. there.

and i think thats one of the main reasons i was so
uncomfortable all day.
i just didnt feel right.
at all.
at fucking all.

that boy was like a brother to me.
like a fucking brother.
i dont know.
it was just crazy.

i think im finally at a point in my life where i know how
and HAVE let go of a lot of things.
people. etc.
being thrown back in with all of this shit.
is not healthy.
and im not ready for that.

i cant handle all these people in general.
i dont want to be social.
im not that kind of person anymore.
"remember blahblah lets go see blahblah"
i dont want to.
i dont want to anymore.
im done with them.
they are done.
they are all stored in my memory and im happy remembering
who they were to me but fucking i dont want them anymore.

all day she was just talking about before before before
yeah YEAH before
do you eat beans ashley
no. no i dont.
oh whatever man yeah you do.
no NO. i said no. that means dude NO i dont.
im clean.
hahha no youre not. right.
no actually she is chris.
no actually i am chris.

drugs drugs drugs
all fucking day
a bunch of fucking drug talk
a bunch of fucking stories about drugs

ashley dont be upset just smoke some youll feel better



i am not making that mistake again.
i love him.
and i love her too
and i dont know what im going to do about her.
i feel like shes bad for me
and i think that she is.
its not like it was before.
and i cant just leave her as a friend because i know that
shed go crazy
she needs to have me in her life but i cant fucking be
involved in all of this shit.
i cant. i dont have the time or energy or capability

and i feel bad about chris too..the other chris. one of the
many other chris'
i just stopped calling him.
i dont know if i ever will again.
he was bringing me down, and i dont know how to tell him
that polietly.
and i guess just not saying anything is better than hurting
i dont know.

ugh i want to go to sleep and forget about today.
i hated it.
i hated it a lot.
i dont know why i feel so strongly about it.
im just disappointed in myself i think.
but you know..
if i had known how today was going to turn out.
i would have done things much differently.

trite saying isnt it.

i need to get out of orlando.
i need to get away from everything and everyone i know.
and soon.
i dont know if ill finish vcc in time.
but fucking im taking summer classes too.
i need to get out of here.
its killing me.
i dont want to be around all of this shit
all of these memories
all of these people
i am loosing my mind
slowly but effectively.
there are very few things that are keeping me sane.
and i feel like im loosing my grip on it.
tomorrow will be a new day
and these feelings will fade quickly.
they always do.
until they come back.

emily was amazing today.
fucking amazing.
i have never been fucking prouder of her
im sure it was overshadowed by my own self anger

she contained herself all day.
even though i couldnt so much towards the end.
but she did.
she did...and she did for me.

thank you. thank you so much..

she didnt smoke.
she didnt fucking smoke
even though III pointed it towards her.
she didnt.
she said no.
i have never seen her say no.




there just arent enough words sometimes.