Skating on the innerstate.
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2002-01-09 23:46:25 (UTC)

The Martyr

Hey guys. Its weezer wednesday so its suppose to be one big
party...but its not... actually, it hasn't been too bad.
basically a normal day in this hell hole. well only two
more days 'til i go to the doctor. i find out what i am
going to be on and what all the side effects are. i feel
like its d-day or something because i really didn't want to
be on medicine, but i found out that i need it. i mean, i
feel hopeless because i don't even have control of my life.
all i can think about is how the only thing i have control
of is my own death..of course that doesnt count "accidents"
or just being dumb. but i feel like the only way i can get
a grip on my life is through suicide or an attempt at
least. i'm not saying i am going to, but i think about it
an awful lot. hell, i wasn't always like this i use to like
to talk to people and go out of the house every weekend.
now i like to sit in my room and not talk to people as
much. i don't care at all about anything anymore. i sit in
class and stare off and say whatever i feel like. i tell
someone if i don't care what they are talking about. the
list doesn't stop. and the fact is, i really don't have a
problem with it. the fact that people point at me when i
sit in math class reading a book when the teach is standing
in front of me telling me to get out my stuff. i don't even
move. the fact is, no one can do anything about it. she is
too scared to lose her job to do anything about it. another
fact is that i can do that and still gets A's. so why am i
suppose to pay attention anyway? i don't think i'm smart, i
just don't have to pay attention nearly as much as other
people do. and i don't take notes and i don't study at all.
its just what i do. i like to paint and write. that is more
important than doing useless hopework for a class that is
bullshit anyway. i would rather be "old sarah" then be what
i am now and study all the time and get the same grades, if
not worse. if i don't get into UT then life isn't over. i
can move to seattle or stay here and do the same thing i am
doing now, minus school.

"the thing is [bob] i'm not lazy, its just that i don't
care." (office space)

and the fact that i don't care kills some people. there are
these people that are so obsessed with this bullshit that
they don't know anything about themselves other than their
name and their IQ. i just can't understand that at all.
where does all this stuff come from? sometimes i think i am
just too out there. i haven't met anyone that agrees with
me at all. i guess thats why being alone is a good thing
for me.

i am just sounding dumb now. maybe keeping a diary was just
a bad idea. i am really fucked up.

bitter and alone,


Cursive- The Martyr (below

And so it's begun
This is year one
The birth of a child in the form of a man
Wrapped in towel
Passed out on the floor
These drunken hours -- graces deflowered
Cast down by an angel
She used to kiss his weeping eyes
Depressed in her bosom
Tears roll off her nipple

Sweet baby, don't cry...
Your tears are only alibis
To prove you still feel --
You only feel sorry for yourself
Well, get on that cross
That's all you're good for...

And thusly it ends
Depression seeps in on a lonely messiah
Now he drinks with the lepers
Losing a limb, his better half
A glass once half full
A head hung half-mast
He claims he's the victim
Strangled by the nine-to-five
And a pattern of stillness
That haunted this still life

Your tears are only alibis
To prove you still feel
You only feel sorry for yourself
And that's how you thrive
Your sorrow's your goldmine
So write some sad song about me
Screaming your agonies, playing the saint

The Martyr...
The Martyr....
The Martyr...
The Martyr...
The Martyr...

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