darkness

respect from a parent to dependant

when i try to tell my 'rents my oppinion, i get yelled at
for 'talking back'. particularly my dad. he's openly
stated that i "deserve no respect". alright, im not the
most brilliant person in the world, but i know that's
shit.
im writing about this pretty objectively, but im torn apart
inside. ha. a teacher that i respect highly and admire (a
teacher??lol) told me that i am almost the most positive
student out of a highschool of 1600 students. i just
looked at the ground for a long time not knowing how to say
that i was anything but.
having to question my feelings twice over so that im almost
sure that what im thinking has worth.. constantly
criticizing myself.. thoughts of grabbin a knife from the
kitchen. but im okay.
when im not home, im okay.. i have friends, i laugh all the
time, my friends are happy to see me- they laugh with me
and confide in me and cry with me, teachers even talk to
me, i get all right grades, i can be myself and those
around me assure me that who i am is great (am i?)
but when i come home. it hurts to say the word home
because it brings fear and sadness, frustration and
hopelessness, helplessness and thoughts of isolation pain
and death. when i come home it falls apart. i can't be
me. im not allowed to be. i don't know what i am here. a
fucking filthy insubordinate no-good never-amount-to-
anything dependent little shit. that sounds like an
appropriate description of what i seem to them. thats what
they tell me more-or-less i think theyr insane they don't
see how much it hurts me or wouldn't they stop, or don't
they care? whats going on why do they allow it to happen..
i wish I could stop it.. but the only way(and ive looked
for alternatives) is to just endure it all until im in
college and never look back. my family thinks my worth is
equal to rat shit, so why should i care. damn fucking
feelings. i do. i care because i WANT a family and this is
the best one ive got. thats the only thing holding me back
from leaving, that and college. they would take away my
tuition exchange scholarship- its all set up, my mom could
take it away so fast..