samuelh

All on the table
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2001-04-13 00:43:44 (UTC)

It's over

Suzie and I talked today, over the phone, in the brief
few minutes we had to talk. Our relationship, whatever
it was, is over. She's moved on, has another man to be
there for her, to be fun when she wants fun, to be the
shoulder when she needs to cry, and to call her several
times a day just to hear her voice.

All those things that I once did with her and for her.

The new guy is single, and I'm still married. He can
drop everything to see her, and I can't.

I understand that, but it still hurts.

At the same time, it's a relief. I have too much to deal
with emotionally as it is to also deal with that
relationship. It was one of those things where we had
to be careful not to be seen, and I couldn't discuss it
with anyone I knew, so I confided only in Suzie and in
you, dear readers, when I needed to talk about Suzie.
Pretty sad...

Now, there's no more Suzie to talk about. I can share
everything about me to the rest of my friends, with
nothing more to hide. It actually feels like a great relief
- at least for now.

It won't seem that way at 3:30 AM, though. I hear the
ghosts of rejection, doubt, loneliness, and fear
sharpening their knives already, and they're going to
attack when the sleep evades me tonight. That's OK -
it's part of being human. I may surprise them, too!

You see, I've been fighting those ghosts with Suzie all
along! She's been pulling away from me for six weeks,
and I've already been fighting rejection, doubting
whether anyone will care, and feeling so terribly lonely.
But as soon as I heard her FINALLY admit that, yes,
she had replaced me with Tom, I didn't feel rejected any
more. Just confirming what I already knew was like
opening the shades and letting the light back in.

I finished up the phone call with her this morning in the
car, walked into the office, and sat down, waiting for the
waves of emotion to hit. I scrambled, trying to think
who I could go to lunch with, to give me a break midday
and take my mind off my sorrows... but the sorrows
never came. They still haven't.

In fact, I think Suzie just did me a favor. I may be this
calm because I'm "right" again... just enough emotional
hell for what I can stand, and no more... plenty of
people who want to be there for me, and with who I can
share.

And I think I can draw this diary to a close... thanks for
reading...

Samuel
[email protected]


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