Jena's Rants
2002-01-09 06:08:33 (UTC)

Can't sleep what's your excuse?

My sleep habits are fucked. I am ever so tired, yet I will
not allow sleep to come and take me away from the muddied
thougts. Sleep is like the water of the soul. It cleanses
you and you awake in the morning rejuvenated, fresh and
ready to start again. Every morning I start out with the
intentions of doing good and being the best person I can,
but the past comes along like a thief and steals those good
intentions and replaces it with self-doubt and pessimism.
I need to find willpower. I need to realize that I am in
control of my life and I ultimately decide where I end up.
I have relinquished my control for so long that I find it
nearly impossible to make a simple decision, even as
trivial as what to eat,without taking every detail into
consideration. Always believing that I am being judged.
That is my own prison. I have built these walls tall and
strong. Hardly a whisper of my own inner thought can be
heard. I deny myself freedom. Why am so masochistic? I
have grown to resent my captors, now I am the only true
captor of myself. Does that mean that I resent myself
now? I try to work past this and forgive others, that is
so much easier than forgiving myself. That involves
examing my actions and letting go. That is the equivalent
of being tortured to me. How can i expect anyone else to
forgive me if I cannot do so for myself? I have strayed so
much from my intended design. How does a sweater turn
itself into a pair of pants? The fabric must be changed,
the threads must be unraveled and then made again. Can a
soul survive that much change and still remain intact? I
have no answers, just questions. The answers I provide are
mere formulations of hope and need. I am what I am, isn't
that the definition of God? Indeed I was made in the image
of a madman.