The Xdruggie Files
2002-01-09 05:05:31 (UTC)

I don't know whether to kill myself, use, or pray

Weekend Catch-Up.

Sat-Went to a bar to play pool. Saw a guy i bought dope
from. Had to ask someone that i was talking to whether or
not we had sex. Apparently, we had just made out. Made me
horny- which made crave. Had drugs offered to me. Not a
good place to be-but didn't use, but wanted to.

Sun-Went to an 11 o'clock meeting. It was about how it is
ok (and normal) to want to use. Good to hear that. Went
over to my sponsor's. We talked about issues. A lot about
sex. I still have over two months left on a sexual sobriety
contract. I want to get laid- but at this point, i think i
would use. I am just soooo lonely sometimes.

Mon- Woke up after dreaming about using. My nose bled all
day. Thought i was ok. Went to group. Was told that if i
didn't believe 100% in the big book of AA that i would
relapse. That sooo pissed me off. I went outside and told
B. that i was leaving to go relapse. I don't believe in
anything man-made 100%. Not AA, not the Christian Bible-
nothing that man has had a hand in. The only thing i
believe 100% in is my relationship with my HP which i chose
to call God. New Guy in group. His name is Trip or Tip or
Dip or Shit or something. I don't know why he annoys me
soooo much. Maybe because he doesn't stop talking- or maybe
because i have known most of the people in Group for months
and still didn't talk about the fact that i wanted to use.
After group met with B and we talked. I had picked up some
pictures of my last weekend in New Orleans. Last guy i
dated, leather men pics, etc. very NO. I had euphoric
recall out the ass. I really missed that- not thinking
through to the OD part etc. Anyway, good talk with B and
then i talked to my sponsor-she said it was very normal to
have these thoughts. Thank God. I was worried. Then i had a
dream that i was in the shower and that B came and joined
me and started rubbing my back-etc. In the dream it was
like it was what I wanted but I got really uncomfortable
about it. I love B, and I flirt etc. but our friendship is
way past the point of us having sex (and he's straight-).
Yawn. Bedtime. ML-XD.

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