~In My Life..
2002-01-09 03:35:20 (UTC)


Currently listening to: Unloco- Face Down
"And if I grow old, it's 'cause you were never there"

I don't know what's going on in my house. I've felt tension
for awhile, probably since the night of my Mom's birthday.
My dad & my brother aren't speaking & haven't been for
about a week and a half, over something so completely
ridiculous I don't want to waste my time writing it. My dad
& mom, I think, are on the outs. For what reason, I do not
know. And, lastly, my mom giving me dirty looks one moment,
then starting conversations with me. Things have changed, I
haven't talked to her in so long. Is this how things are
going to be for the rest of the year? Sometimes I feel so
lost and frusterated in my own home I just cry, because I
want to get away, be somewhere peaceful. It's a weird
feeling that I get, when I feel this way.. I almost long to
be with my boyfriend, to move away from it all, grow up, on
my own. He said something to me last night that took care
of that longing feeling I had.. he said something about
going that far, keeping that open. I felt safe, and as if
in these past days I have needed him too much, but didn't
have to ask for protection. As awfully (word?) cheesy as
this sounds, I went to sleep smiling. Living here sometimes
makes me feel like the luckiest person because I have a
wonderful family & can then make me feel like no matter
what I do, no one will be happy or civil again. I just want
to make the most of my days here, as a kid, still having
rules, still depending on my parents, still being the
happiest at home. And these days, I don't want to come home
sometimes, just stay at school, work a little longer
because I dread a fight, or any confrontation which will
put me in the position of the healer. One who's strong,
acts like nothing is going on.. oblivious, really. That's
how I always have to act. I've reached the point in my life
where I no longer clash with my parents constantly; I
respect them and their ways (though not all the time
obviously). And when I am grown and have my own children, I
hope to emulate them in many ways. However, I never want to
fight in front of them, because I don't want to put them in
the position of believing they need to help, be strong, be
that healer.

And this, to my parents:

Through the trials and tribulations
I've never known
how to say I love you
and let my feelings show
So thank you for the music
Thank you for the song
Bless you for the freedom
in knowing right from wrong
Thank you for the laughter
the heartaches and the tears
It's a blessing to grow
It's a goodness to be here
You give me want-to-be
You give me sympathy
You give me woman
Thank you for loving me
and letting it show
It's a pleasure to be here
so bless us, every one

-Janis Ian

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