Squeeb's world
2002-01-09 03:09:47 (UTC)

Addicted to love...

"I keep on falling in and out of love with you. I never
loved someone the way that I loved you..." Thank you Alicia
Keys. It fits perfectly with what I am going through right
now. I thought that by telling him how I felt that possibly,
I would rid myself of this whole thing- like miraculously
get over him some how... Nice try! Not even close. I've
somehow become more and more obsessed with him. It's like
I'm not even myself anymore. I've suddenly become Ivy from
"Passions"- a cruel-hearted bitch who will stop at nothing
to get the man that she loves away from his wife. Ok, well
in my case girlfriend but still. Not that I've carried
anything out but I've been thinking of it, plotting it,
scheming... I want him so bad it hurts. And the weird thing
is... these past couple days we've talked so much and gotten
to know each other better and stuff and we've been having
some really personal conversations and stuff and well... So
ok, we started talking about sex and well it came out that I
have never... and he was totally ok with that. He said it
was nothing to be ashamed of. Yeah like of course HE'S done
it (I'm so not going there in my mind, thanks) but after all
he IS a 23-year old MALE... But you know in my mind's eye,
I've always pictured him as being my first... but when we
were talking about that and he asked me if I was going to
wait until I was married, I said I didn't know, that the
truth was, I was waiting for that "special someone" but that
I wanted something lasting not just "Thanks, see ya later"
and I told him that that even went for him. My virginity is
not something I am willing to give up unless I know for sure
that he's going to stick around. It's weird but I still have
that romantic, sentimental notion that it's a precious gift
to give the one person you're truly meant to be with... and
yes, I believe in monogamy. I do believe that for every soul
out there, there is another one we are meant to be with...
Sappy and sentimental I know. I believe it exists for
friends and for lovers. Like I know I have already found my
best friend soulmate- she's in the next room playing with
that silly Zoo Tycoon game again. And who knows, maybe Scott
is my soulmate and maybe he's not... and lately it scares me
because of things I have been thinking, like of compromising
my principles and just doing it.... but I know I won't
because it's something I wholeheartedly believe in- it's
like the drinking/smoking/doing drugs thing. I will never...
Anyhoo this is enough philosophical stuff for this evening
so ciao...

Current mood: obsessed
Current music: Pearl Harbour soundtrack