my so called life
2002-01-09 00:56:39 (UTC)

Tingleing inside.. all the time

It is now 00:30 and I've just finished my chemistry
journal. I'm not proud of it tho, I was supposed to do
another one also. I didn't know how to, so I didn't bother.
I had a HUGE historytest today, sheese, I think I know
EVERYTHING about the nazis. Every single date, every
event.. and our STUPID ASS teacher gave us five impossible
questions. He pisses me off bigtime. Well, I wrote
everything that I knew and just as I finished number four,
he said ' You've got one minute left'. Everyone was like
HELP, we're not finished! And then he got all pissed, that
jerk, and told us to stop whining and finish our test.
Someone should kick his stupid ass!
Oh well.. ;)

Ok, the stuff I wrote about hurting a friend of mine. His
name is Paul and we've been friends for about two years.
New Year's Eve Evan and Ron told Geri that Paul's in love
with me and asked her if she thought he's got a chance with
me. She told them that he might and they got all happy and
probably ran off to tell Paul.
First of all.. we're 18 years old, aren't we supposed to be
over that 'my friend likes your friend, shall we hook'em
up'stuff..? And second of all.. Fuck Geri, I've never said
anything about liking Paul. I like him a lot as a friend,
but that's all. So this kind of sucks.. But it gets worse.
Geri told me that Evan and Ron had been asking her
questions, but I just laughed. Me, Geri, Lucy, Silvia, Ben,
Paul, Ron and his girlfriend and two other guys went to
Paul's after the party at Evan's was over. Paul sat down
next to me and put his arms around me and stuff. He's like
one of my best friends, so I didn't think much about it.
After a while I got really tired, so I almost fell asleep.
Everyone got a taxi except Ben and I, and he wanted to just
sleep at Paul's sofa. I didn't want to, so I kept calling
for a taxi, but it was new year's eve, so I didn't get
through. Finally I just called my dad and told him that I'd
be home the next morning. He was sort of ok with it. So
ehm, so Paul made a pass at me and I was like what the fuck
and removed his hands and went to the bathroom. Sheese,
what did he think? That something would happen? Even if I
was into him, I wouldn't have done anything with Ben
sitting right next to him. And I was certainly not
interessted in doing anything, I'm not attracted to him at
all.. To Ben on the other hand... ;)
So when I got back from the bathroom, Paul was lying in his
bed. I thought sheese, sulk and go to bed. So I laid down
next to Ben at the sofa and after a while Paul started
snoring. That fool.
Ben and I weren't really comfortable at the sofa, so we
tried to find a better way to lie. I ended up with my head
on his chest and his arms around me =)
I could hear his heart beat, and in the beginning it beat
kind of fast ;)
We just tried to sleep for a while, but it wasn't really
possible. My hair kept getting in his mouth.. uh..
When we were walking from Evan's to Paul's, Ben held my
hand since it was very slippery outside. When we were
laying there, he took my hand again. We were just laying
there, holding hands, stroking our fingers against
eachother. I noticed that his heart started beating a
little faster :) I don't know if I've ever felt closer to
heaven. That was indeed perfection. I feel worm inside just
by thinking about it. It makes me write these clichés and
it takes away all my focus.

Of course I started feeling sick after a while, too much
champagne and stuff. So I had to get up and get some fresh
air. Oh, that sucked..!! I just wanted to stay in his arms
forever. I was sitting in a corner of the sofa shaking when
he woke up (he dozed off) and he felt really sorry for me.
He put his arms around me and asked if I was ok. Then he
gave me his blanket. He's so sweet. *sighs*
I'm such a fool who drink too much and get sick.
The next morning his father picked us up. I probably looked
like hell. Damn.

I guess that was enough about new year's eve..
Paul has been VERY friendly afterwards, uh.. it sucks, but
he gives me the creeps. There's a chance this might ruin
our friendship. I hope not, but I dunno..
I should tell him once and for all that I'm not
interessted, but I don't really want to talk about it at
all. I'll just see what happens. Maybe it'll go away if I
don't think about it :P
I kind of feel like a slut, sleeping in Paul's arms and
then Ben's arms. But in my eyes, Paul is only a friend, the
whole thing was totally innocent.
I'm a tease.. :/

I went with Lucy to the mall after school today. We stayed
there forever. We had a lot of fun. We talked about boys
boys and boys ;) She's the only one who knows that I'm in
love with Ben.

When I got home, I saw that Ben had called me.. wohooo =)
I sent him a message and then he called. He said he didn't
call, somebody probably called by a mistake. He was at his
grandfather's. We talked for about fifteen minutes. Oh, I'm
totally in love with him :P

*goofy and silly and happy*

This guy from the band called, he was really nice and said
that I've done a great job with the kids. Jay :)

Wow, I've been writing for over an hour.. I listen to music
as I write and I tend to float off and I get captured in my
own dreams. The way my dreams are at the moment I don't
mind at all tho..

I'm very greatful that I'm so happy at the moment. This
summer, when I was sick all the time, I promised myself
that I'd start being greatful for my health and stuff. I
am, and I'm glad that I do so well in school and that I
have a lot of friends and that I've got my family.
Everyone's healthy except my grandmother. I love her so
much and I worry about her. She used to be my hero, now
she's sick and unhappy.

And Torje, if you read this, tho I don't think you will,
I'm glad I got to know you.

Angel : Thanks for mentioning me in your diary. Good luck
with everything :)

I'm gonna go to bed now. Good night and peace out ;)