fucked up
2002-01-08 18:29:41 (UTC)


Well im over at a friends house. Him and sandee are
sleeping so im let here to amuse myself. already had a
cigarret. and read the new diary entrys. I never realized
that when you want to see what others have writen it comes
to you bye the last thing written. thats kind of cool. I
took a test to see what game character portraid me best.

I am a Pacman Ghost.

I like to hang around with friends, chatting, dancing, all
that sort of thing. We don't appreciate outsiders, and do
our best to discourage others approaching us. I enjoy
occasionally wandering around randomly, and often find that
when I do so, I get to where I wanted to be.

that was what my questionare answer came out to be. if you
would like to know who portrays you go to . I got that
from someone els writing in a diary on here. i forgott his
name. (I apoligize if you are reading this now)

Well still bored so i guess i'll say a little more about
myself. I was born in Wiesbadden Germany. My mother was
in the army. Rewind. My father had a girlfriend and they
faught over a big or small wedding. So i guess they broke
up for a while. During that time my father had sex with my
mother. Yea...apearently the condom broke. That was one
story he told me. The other was that he just wanted to get
the sex with other people out of his system. Obviously
that didn't work because he was still cheating on Wendy (my
step-mom) untill about a year and a half ago. I don't know
why she takes the shit. Poor idiot. My father didn't have
anything to do with me untill i was 5. Thats when i came
back to the states. (the whole " I have a feince but i
want to fuck you and the only way to do that is to tell you
that im single" thing took place in Minnesota. And no he
didn't say any of that.) Not that it was bad. I had a good
time in Germany for the most part. by brother was born
when i was 5. we lived about 50 ft from the berlin wall.
I "helped" take it down. I have pictures of me with a
hammer hitting it. :) i have no memory of it though. i
do happen to have a memory of when the wall was down. I
looked across and there was a kid riding a big-wheel bike.
He let me ride it for a little while. Now that i think
about it thats really cool. Apearently e and w hated each
other. (or at least where i lived) yet 2 5 year olds are
fine. it just goes to show how growing up clouds your
mind. I didn't know i was suposed to not like him. I do
remember knowing that i didn't like my step-father. His
name is Scott. To this day i can't stand the name. My mom
and him got maried when i was either 2 or 3. hell maybe
even 4. i don't know. They were expecting my brother. My
mother didn't want me. She told me the story.
She went to the abortion clinic but couldn't do it.
After she gave birth to me she wouldn't even touch me. The
nurses put me in her to room one night and i wouldn't stop
screaming and crying. she kept calling for a nurse but
they either wouldn't come or say just a second and leave
again. She got so sick of it she picked me up to keep me
quit and fell "instantly in love" so sweet isn't it?? damn
i don't want any kids.
Ok so back to my step-father. Asshole. My brother was
still a baby and while my mom was holding him Scott punched
the glass out of our intertainment center and it got
everywhere. his hand was all bloody. I remember screaming
at him to stop but he pushed me away. HARD. I hit my head
on the refridgeratore. My mom doesn't remember that.
Whats even more fucked up is that after he hit the glass my
mom wanted to take him to the hospital because he couldn't
drive with his hand all bloody. He backed over her foot in
thanks. she doesn't remember that either. damn selective
memory bull shit.
Ok so then i went back to the us. I met my dad and
stayd with him for a while. I remember that we went on a
boat and he was amazed that i was singing pink floyd's
another brick in the wall. grrr everyone is still
sleeping. brb im going to take a cig break.
back. damn i didn't realize i was hungry. oh well. i'v
been awake for 15 hours. i wonder when the sleepyness will
kick in. hopefully not for a while. ok so scott hit my
mother once. She said if it ever happend again that she
woudl leave him. It goes without saying but ill say it
anywase. It happend again. She did leave though (good
momy) i just wish she was that protective with me. When i
would stand up on the swing in the playground outsid our
apt. (you pick up speed) He would spank me. Not
just regular spanking though. He felt the need to take off
my pants and underware and spank my bare ass. A little
overboard considering he did it everytime. but what can i
do now?? ok so thats my storie with him.
After my mom and him got a divorce we went and lived at
her moms house in copperas cove (they were living in mn but
had the house for winter visits)well when we were there we
had a cat. And my mom had her boyfriend staying over. He
lived in trailor next to an old trash dump. During the
winter the grandparents came but stayed at a hotel. they
came to visit us once and saw that we had a cat and a male
in the house. They didn't like that and told my mom that
she had to leave. so we did. We went and stayed in like a
homeless shelter apt place. The apts were just rooms but
there was one apt that had the kitchen. So people came in
and woke us up in the middle of the night to get thier
food. We did have a diff door so they didn't actually come
into our "apartment" but they deffinately wern't quit.
About every other morning we would go to the grocery store
across the street. On there back door they would put food
for the homeless. You took what you needed and left the
rest for other homeless. once we got back on our feet we
moved into an actuall apartment in lampasas. It was
infested with cocroaches. I hate those little fuckers.
That apartment complex was were i got molested.
ok this is plenty of typing for right now. I am going to
redirect my mind elswhere. lol like anyone is actually
going to read all this. Hope you enjoyd your little trip
into my past.