Cat

Self harming dyke
2002-01-08 14:37:49 (UTC)

bleeding

Mood: depressed
Song: n/a
Cuts: too many to count on left wrist

FUCK! I knew that was going to happen yesterday and I also
know it will again today unless I do something about it. I
was reading my book when I felt the desire to see some
blood. I didn't even attempt to stop myself, but took a
razor apart and cut deeply a couple of times. Then I heard
my phone beep. I put a tissue over my wrist and went to
read the text message. While I was replying to it, I saw
that the blood had soaked through the tissue and was
dripping onto the floor. This didn't bother me
particularly, I just sat back down and took the tissue off.
The blood was pumping out lazily, but it stopped
eventually. It was nice watching it, and so I cut again
after it stopped. Unfortunately the first bleed when you
haven't cut for a while is much stronger than any other
time, so the subsequent cuts didn't produce much blood. I
know that I would have to cut down the wrist and not across
it to get the blood I wanted. I didn't feel like dying last
night, so this wasn't an option. I wonder how long my
rational thoughts will last?

Is there really any point in me staying on this planet? I
don't actually do much.
* My Stage finishes in 2 months, and I don't yet have a job
sorted out
* Mummy is ill and I can't face (coward that I am) seeing
her get any worse
* The farm will have to be sold before long and I can't
imagine not having that to go to and hide
* How can I keep going through the heartache and longing of
loving women who will never love me? I miss the doctor so
much. Last night I hugged my teddy bear and called it by
her name. There isn't really anything sexual in how I feel
about her, I just want her to care about me and hold me -
like a mother really I suppose. I don't get that though,
because I have a perfectly good mother of my own in all the
ways that count. OK she's not well, but she loves me and I
love her. So why do I keep trying to find a substitute? I'm
sure I don't fancy these women in any normal sense because
then it wouldn't just (always) be those that are in charge
of me. And, although I would like to kiss her, I can't
really imagine having sex with the doctor. But then again,
I can in a way. I don't know how to explain it. Why do I
get so obsessed???

The thing is, each time this happens, it saps a little bit
more of me out and it is getting to a point now where I
know that it is very odd behaviour and I am warped. I
really want to talk to someone about it, but there isn't
anyone I could be this honest with. The psychiatrist was no
good at all. I don't know what to do any more and I feel so
desperate at times. I have not had a great day today and
that doesn't help the negative thoughts, but there is more
to it than that.

I should pretend to do some work now.

Cat *unhappy mew*




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