silent thoughts........
2002-01-08 11:07:46 (UTC)

well here i am again, its the..

well here i am again, its the new year where things are
meant to be brighter on the other side pfftttt .what crap
that was!!i am in the spiraling mode of no return..i
thought things couldnt get worse than what they are!!i dont
know what it is in life now i am here for ,besides looking
after my children who i love with all my heart but its just
not enough anymore,i feel i have nothing.I know what i need
to do ,but its easier said than done for me.I know i should
get out there and get myself a life of my own,start a
course or just do sumthing with myself.There is alot i want
to do,but havnt even told the ones i love,i want to do a
course ,get a job,learn kick boxing,learn to live a little
i suppose and not depend on others.As for what i want to be
in life im not sure of 28 and feel like im 58,i
dont want to be laying on my death bed wishing that i had
done this and that,i can be a selfish bitch at times and
here i would admit it ,but too ppl faces i wont.I wish i
were a stronger person inside and had the courage to stand
up for myself and speak what i feel,maybe i wouldnt be
where i am now,more like the state im in..i did sumthing
the other day that im discusted in myself for doing,and
cant believe i did it in front of my kids..I know know i
need some one to talk too,not only for my benefit but my
kids.My kids deserve better,they deserve there mum whos
happy and loving,not ones whos angry all the time .i cant
depend on my family ,they think im the strong one of them
all and can handle anything in life,boy are they wrong!!
I f only they knew the truth of it all.. I have hidden my
feelings for 11 yrs and handle life on my own,but i feel
now that i cant do it anymore..I lay there at life and say
to myself that i will change tommorrow,not be angry at the
world all the time ,but the minute i wake its like ground
hog day,the same over and over again.I have never wished as
hard as i have lately for things to change,but only i can
do that,i know now..If i could have one wish for a day i
would want my Dad to be here now so i can talk to him,and
to hear him say that it`ll be ok and things will work
out,just to feel his reasurance.But that will never
happen,the dead dont come back..