surfntolive

Where's the light at the end of the
2002-01-08 08:15:33 (UTC)

January 8th, 3AM

Hi, my name is Chris, this is my first exploration into
this world of online journal writing. The reason I've
decided to undertake this is because I have a lot of things
I wanted to talk about and I just lost my one person that
used to listen to me. Her name is Jess. I lost her by my
own fault, she's not dead. I met Jess when I was 13, the
summer before my freshman year of high school (back in
1993). I quickly fell in love with her and she was my
first true love (upon which I acted that is). We started
hanging around together a lot and eventually a year later
began dating. It only lasted a month and eight days, from
August 12th until September 20th (two days after my b'day,
which proves the Seinfeld idea that birthdays are a
relationship killer). I turned 15 and moved on with my
life or so I thought. We stopped talking entirely for
about two years and I decided that I wanted to run away to
Hawaii for college (so I guess it wasn't really running
away in the true sense of the word, but I just wanted to
get as far away from my hometown in Northeastern CT as
possible). Jess called me sometime during my senior year,
she was a freshman in college and was having some problems
and she used to think of me as a good listener. So she
called to talk. Over the next few years, while I was in
Hawaii, we kept in touch. Then I decided to transfer
schools to come back to CT. That way I could work at the
factory near my town and make some money to pay for school,
which I could no longer afford. I took a semester off and
only worked, and went back in the Spring semester of 2000.
Jess and I started spending time together on occasion, she
went to school near Boston. Then she graduated after that
semester and got a job at Yale and moved to New Haven (an
hour away). It was around this time that I peaked out. I
was making good money, owned two brand-new cars (one
practical car and one sporty convertible, 99 and 2000).
Everything seemed perfect, I was getting good grades too.
So, after getting to be serious friends for about a year,
we decided to start dating again after the holidays of
2000. January 8th was the official date (a year ago
today). Well, to bring the story up to date... My life took
a turn for the worse since then. Great times have been had
and a lot of good resulted but my life is going sour. I
got fired from my job, had to sell the sports car, went on
unemployment, failed a number of classes and did poorly in
the others. I also started lying to Jess about stupid
things because I didn't want her to know about things I'd
done wrong. (I lost my license on October 19th and didn't
bother to tell her, just kept driving, didn't want her
thinking less of me.) Anyway, I started to hate myself for
lying to her and couldn't take it anymore and we broke up
on the day after Thanksgiving (more support to the Seinfeld
cast). I was becoming quite a jerk. Anyway, we didn't
talk until Dec. 30th about a week ago. Now I miss her like
crazy. I still love her more than anything else in the
world, but don't think she deserves to be with somebody
like me. At the same time I can't stand to see her with
anyone else. So anyway, I missing details. A few days
ago, last Friday at 5AM, I wrote her a very long email and
told her everythign that I could think of that I lied
about. Didn't know how she'd take it but just wanted to
explain myself, because before I'd given her lame reasons
for our breakup. Anyway, she took it very well and that
night we talked to about 8 hours (felt like High school
again) and we aired out a bunch of problems that we had
that had never been discussed before. I felt much better
after the conversation. Today was the first time I've
talked to her since. She went on a date last night and had
a good time. I can't imagine her with anyone else and it
kills me. I'm totally depressed, my life sucks and I threw
away the best thing in my life. I still don't think we are
right for each other and I know I'm a jerk for wishing
there was some way around it. Anyway, I've been listening
to Creed a lot and had a dream last night that I was shot
and it was soo real that my chest hurt in a small circular
area. I almost wish it was true, I see no end. It feels
like I'll never graduate, it will have been 5 years this
May, I keep thinking the next year is it and then it keeps
getting pushed further and further away. I dream of the
day when I'm living comfortably with a good job and no
worries and would have the right attitude to be with a
woman as perfect as Jess. (Of course she's not truly
perfect, but she was always perfect for me.) Anyway, thanks
for letting me air my sadness.... "Hold me now, I'm six
feet from the edge and I'm thinking, maybe six feet ain't
so far." -Creed... G'night.




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