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2002-01-08 05:17:48 (UTC)

a fail to kiss is a fail to cope..

fucking. im really upset now. i dont know why. but all
of a sudden i really feel like shit. i really am dreading
seeing him tomorrow. really badly. because part of me
still wants things to be okay. just like part of me will
always like richard still and wish that his goodness and
niceness and sweetness to me was enough, and part of me
will always regret fucking shit up with ashley, part of me
will always miss him no matter what. and i will always
wonder why things fucked up. and its like, i dont even
know how they were anymore, like all i have are these
intense, vivid, staggered memories that are so powerful to
me, but i dont really know which ones are real sometimes.
when i open to that part of my scrapbook it hurts inside.
that sounds so cheesy but it HURTS. and i dont want to see
him with someone else, i dont want to see him at all
because things will never be the same, they could never be
the same, i dont even really want them to be -- fucking, if
things could be as perfect as i thought they were and he
loved me that much again, i cant say i wouldnt but at this
point i couldnt turn my back on everything else if that
were even possible and why am i thinking about this? hes
dead to me. we're completely different people now why is
it hurting tonight?
and why is caroline talking to me about her exboyfriend
from when she was real real bad? i dont want to hear about
it hurts. why am i missing it tonight? because i feel
like shits fucking up with her?
she lied to me tonight. about some drug shit. "Favors."
and shit. shes like "I'm just making money" and i was
like "What!!!!!" cus i immediately thought of that, and
shes like "no no no im kidding, if i was doing that i
wouldnt be here" and i was like WHAT!!! and then i found
out that really was it anyway. fucking whatever.

why does it hurt when will it fucking stop all of this
bullshit when will i just be happy

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