a freak with a heart
2002-01-08 05:06:47 (UTC)


Dear Diary,

how do you know when you can't go any farther. when it
just hurts to much to move forward. when it takes all your
strengh to get out of bed. when even the ppl you love can't
help, but seem to make it wrose. how do you know when to
give up, and will they let you just give up?
For me right now those are things i say to myself
everyday. i feel like the world is against me and no one
can save me. i feel like im going insane, seriously! i'm 16
and i deal with more stress more pressur more depression
then anyone else i know. i can't even take being at school
for one day with out breaking down and crying right in the
middle of class. over the simplest thing i just break down
and cry. like today i was walking in the hall with one of
my friends and i was telling her about whats going on in my
life, and she told me it would be ok....not a smart thing
to do! right after she said that to me i turned to her and
started balling. everyday for me seems to get worse, i used
to always look to the good. try to keep my eye on the light
at the end, but there is no longer any light. im walking
down a dark path to know where! it's all black and no light
is shighning in at all. the only thing i can hear is this
low humming sound. and all at once my body feels so weak i
just fall down. but the question is will i be able to get
back up again? how much long can i hold myself up? i'll
tell you this, if something in my life doesn't change 2
things will happen. either the loved ones around me will
see how bad i really am and find me help, or i will fall
into that dark black sea of depression and soon enough my
head will no longer be able to stay above the water. and
i'll drown in my own sadness. i pray to god every night
(another problem in my life i have yet to solve) that he
will give me the strengh to pull out, because at this point
the only one that knows how bad off i really am is over 600
miles away and i can't hear his vice but a few times a
month. no one else really know's or could understand what i
go through everyday, not my mom, not my dad, not even my
best friends! im alone and lost in my own mind! how do you
find a way out of your own mind? meditation? tryed it yeah
it's relaxing but only for a short amount of time. i fear
that one day when i'm in my 20's or probably even before
that, that my mind is going to say it's had enough and it
can't handle it and to save it's self from distruction it's
going ot shut down on me. and either i will be in a comma
caused from stress and depression or i'll just be walking
around with an empty head. no memorries no emotsion, no
thought,....NOTHING.....and that scares me. that scares me
more then death does. to loss the memorries of the one's i
love would cause me more pain then anything else in this
im scared and im alone and i don't know what to do. i
am so far gone that i can't bring myself back, and i fear
that unless some one startes to realize how back of shape i
really am in i don't know if i will ever come back. andyes
i know it will get better, it will get better. you don't
know how many ppl have told me that. i don't want to hear
that. they don't know how i feel and no it doesn't always
get better. and unless i get help it's not going ot get any
better this time. yes i've been depressed before and i'll
tell you it's nothing like this.....maybe writing it all
out will help in some way. i can only hope. i need all the
help i can get! bye FOR NOW.