Tales of Tails
In the Beginning...
Now, religion is probably the most interesting topic on
which I can give a dissertation. The following comments are
only half-serious, and if you're offended, you can go
screw. I don't care about you or your God. I'm not picky
about who I target, every religion has a flaw. I just
choose to pick at that flaw. So if you're a member of the
God Squad, stop reading now.
No, I'm serious... Stop reading. You're going to cry.
Let's start with Christianity, shall we? I figure there are
more holes in that than there are bullet holes in a white
man's Monte Carlo in downtown Harlem, so why not dig in?
First of all, the creation of the world is just dumb. I
mean, God creates a ball from clay, and he's revered as the
all-mighty one. Hell, my 11-year old brother can make one
hell of a snowball, but I'm not on my knees every Sunday
praising his glory. Ok, did anyone besides Jerome Lawrence
and Robert E. Lee realize that our entire civilization is
probably based on inbreeding, or else there was a "creation
in the next county over" from Eden? Think about it: Adam
and Eve had Cain and Abel. No girls. None. Not a one. Three
guys and a girl, all with strategically-placed fig leaves
covering their nether reigons. I think I saw a good porno
once that started off the same way. Three guys, a girl and
a little cover-up foliage. Maybe it was a soft-core porno.
I don't remember. But that's not important. What is
important is that it's absolutely rediculous. Adam lived
for like 900 years. Do you think even illiterate shit-
crawlers in 500 BC believed that? Survey says: No way in
Hell. I mean, the average lifespan of a human being that
survived the first 6 months of birth knew that if he grew
to be of legal age to buy cigarettes, he was damned old.
Now, I'm ok with the whole idea of Christian morals. I even
follow most of them. But let me tell you, things have
changed over the past couple of millenia. Just read
Leviticus 18. Talk about homophobia! They practically cut
off your frank and beans if you even SMILED at another guy,
never mind a goat or a donkey. (Of course, you know the
only reason they made that rule was because someone
actually SLEPT with a donkey or a goat. Not that there's
anything wrong with that... I mean... Did I just say that
aloud?) You gotta love the fact that the Church recognizes
this as TOTALLY wrong, and that all people are created
equal in the eyes of God... and yet they won't take
Leviticus out of the bible. Hm. That must be the thing they
forgot during Vatican II.
That's another thing, too. Vatican II was basically the
Church's way of saying, "Ok, we fucked up. Time to un-fuck
up." So after about 1500 years (give or take) of being
money-hogging power-hungry bastards, so they change the
mass from latin to the vernacular and say, "look, we
absolved ourselves from centuries of evil!" And St. Peter
looked down and said, "Y'all hop in the truck, we goin' up
the big house!" And when Father McKenzie started speaking
english during his sermon the next Sunday, everyone
said, "What the FUCK is going on?" And the Pope started in
on his "Learn By Tape: Octalinguistics Made Easy!" cassette
set. And there was much fire and brimstone and gnashing of
teeth, and men started walking on the moon, and the world
as we knew it crumbled to ashes around our ankles.
And God looked down. And it was good.
Now like I said, the only redeeming characteristic about Christianity
is its intrinsic moral value. I mean, I don't care what you have to
say about Christianity itself, Christians are good wholesome people.
Naive as all hell for the most part, but they're good people. But
that's to be expected, isn't it? I mean, they've been following the
life of some crazy arab for centuries without questioning the fact if
he was even the real son of God. (Apparently Jesus had a brother,
which would make Mary not-so-virginic, but I don't know enough about
that story to say much. Rumormill is great, isn't it?) I mean, for
all Christians know, there could have been some poor carpenter who
decided to make a name for himself, so he said he was conceived by
God. Not a bad plan if you want to be remembered for 2000 years. I
think that makes him the original con man, or else a practical joke
gone terribly wrong.
Let's assume for a moment that Jesus WAS, actually, the son of God.
Just THINK about the implications of that statement! I seriously
think Mary was not only the Queen of Purity, but she was pretty
damned popular among the turn-of-the-century gold diggers, too. I
mean think about it. A whole bunch of biblical whores sitting around
saying, "Oh, I slept with Pharoh." "Oh yeah? I slept with three
rabbis at once." Then Mary pops her head up. "Well, I slept with God.
And I'm having his kid." You can't do any better than that. Talk
about setting the bar, this chick was the whore to the divine.
Not only that, but what about Jospeh? Did he give the go-ahead to God
to screw his wife? Maybe he video-taped it. Some guys get down like
that. I mean, if you had dudes screwing goats and sheep and llamas
and chickens and all that, why not let God take your wife for a
couple of hours? I don't suppose he could have said no, though. I
mean, God was pissed enough when Sodom and Gamorrah started in on the
whole sodomy / fellatio thing... Imagine what he could do with a bad
case of blue balls!
And what about Jesus? I mean, what must he have been thinking as he
was hanging on the cross? "Hey, uh, dad? What's the deal? You can
come down to screw mom, but you can't take your only son off a
fucking cross?" There's nothing I hate more than a deadbeat father,
and God was certainly one of those. Poor Jesus. King of the Jews, but
no real sense of home or family.
Well, I think that's all for now. Don't worry, kiddos. This journal
entry is over, but there are more to come. I'll rip another religion
tomorrow. Stay tuned!!
What if God was one of us? I'd beat his ass and steal his
sandals. WEST SIDE!!!
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