LooLoo

Playing Make Believe

S came over and we drove around looking for open houses on
Sunday. We usually have a great time pretending to realtors
(and ourselves) that we can afford these homes, walking
through them, discussing what we'll "have to change to make
it livable or suitable." Not a boyfriend between us, but we
discuss with the realtor that "I'd like a faux leather
finish in this room, it will be the husband's study..." We
mentally choose the colors for every room and landscape the
back yard. By the time we've finished the tour, the realtor
is salivating and we have the silly giggles. Usually. This
weekend we just couldn't pull it off though. Neither of us
could garner the mental energy level we needed to have fun
with it. And I think we just seemed pathetic to the two
realtors we talked with and to ourselves as well.

AAAArrrrgggghhhh. 5 days and no smoking. And really, it's
not that bad any more. I say aarrrggghhh, but actually the
rough spots ended over the weekend and most of my problem
now is habit. I automatically reach for a cigarette when
it's near. And they are always near because my roomie
smokes. Right in my face it seems sometimes. :)

All the things I read would happen are happening though. My
sense of smell is getting much stronger. Sadly, the first
thing I recognized with my "new nose" is how much my house
stinks and smells of stale cigarettes. My roomie says she
is going to quit today and start using the patch. This is
mean, and I may be wrong, but she doesn't have the strength
of will to quit. I know it won't last... I wish she would
though. I am so proud of myself and I want my clothes and
everything to stop having this smell, but I know as long as
she is smoking in the house, it will never go totally away.
Sigh. At least its better.

On other fronts, I was pseudo depressed over the weekend.
It was sort of a false depression. Does that make sense?
No, I know it doesn't. I know I was physically & mentally
down from the not smoking, and in a foul mood to boot. But
I had energy that I am not used to having. I ran every day.
(I'm a bit sore today to show for it.) I cleaned house, got
the laundry done and had generally nice days. So was I down
or was I up?

A guy I have had a crush on for a couple of years called
last night. I know him well, but have never met him. We
worked out of different offices for the same company for
several years, but he has moved on now. He is in RI now
(was in NY) and I am still in the south. We've had a mutual
flirting thing going on for a long time but have never
taken it farther. He is coming for Mardi Gras in Feb though
and wants to meet. I'm afraid. I wnat to very badly, but
what if one of us is disappointed in the other? Honestly,
my fear is what if he is disappointed in me..... It's
silly, but I am actually considering not meeting this guy I
have talked to for YEARS and been friends with for YEARS
and had such a crush on because of fear of rejection.... am
I nuts? I feel it...