Unholy and Dirty and Beautiful Me
2002-01-07 08:38:37 (UTC)

Good morning, I still love you...

Okay, last night I was planning to stay in & StC & MaC
call me up and tell me to come down to the bar, so I did. D
is there. A few more show up (including 2 of my friends
that D phuct after we broke up but I guess we're even??)
ANYWAYS. So we all drink & stuff & then go over to RiA's
place for a few more & StC is downstairs with MiI & isn't
coming up when I call her so I leave with D & we walk all
over town, we ended up taking my car to his place & spent
the early hours of the day reminiscing/kissing/complaining
to eachother about the way things are now. I mean, we're
both good....but we made it pretty clear that were still in
love & miss eachother like crazy....did not have sex but
fooled around a bit & slept curled up together half coffee in the morning.....watched a bit of
tv.....saw his dad & dad's was so weird & good
and crazy. When I left he told me to call him sometime
soon 'cause his number is still the same then he hugged me
& called me sweety.
All day I've been playing this all over in my head. I love
that boy
still loves me but really we aren't getting back together.
We can't. I KNOW he just broke up with his ex 'cause of the
stress he's going through & from experience I know what he
gets like under stress. He's supposed to go away tomorrow
too. Nice. So, ya.....I LOVE HIM....but right now it
wouldn't work out.

Would it work out SOME DAY?? Can we be friends and
eventually go from there?? All I want right now is to know
that he cares for me as deeply as I do for him. I don't
want to lose hope that there might some day be a chance for
us. Last night he told me that he didn't ever want to get
married or have children anymore (HUGE change from the old
D). I laughed and said "so does that mean that we'll never
get married and have kids?" (cause really he's the only one
I picture doing that with..isn't that sad??) I asked him if
he's met any guys before because they're all assholes, but
told him that he's not. Because he really isn't.

We've both done stupid shit...I KNOW I HAVE....and
him....well, sleeping with eachother's friends is a mutual
phuckup we've both committed....but we've been broken up
for so long now and all that happened after the fact. We
didn't cheat on eachother, hardly ever fought. I mean, NO
ONE can make me laugh like he one. I've never
been so passionate about anything. I mean, how many other
guys can I spend time like we just did with and feel and
want so much on both parts but still not have sex. I told
him I wouldn't and he didn't even try. We just pawed around
and kissed & oh gawd it was so nice to be in his arms. I've
never felt like this about anyone and I don't think I ever
will sad.

This week has been crazy because I've run into the guy
three times & we hardly ever see eachother these days.
I'm not a spiritual person, I don't even believe in luck.
Still, I can't help wondering if this is some kind of a
sign...I don't know how to feel right now. I'm confused. I
think I'll give him a call in a couple of weeks or
something. Just to see how he's doing....