Stacist

A Dreamer's Playground
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2002-01-07 07:41:29 (UTC)

A Little Bit Of Peace

Well...quite a lot I have neglected to bother adding
to my diary for quite some while...hmm...where to continue?

I am still very much in love with Jason. He is my
everything and my very reason for continued existance. An
online relationship is very difficult, but...my running
away idea has faded and in just a few days he will be with
me. He is moving here to be with me. Packing up
everything and just leaving to be with me. Giving up
everything because our love is strong and I need to be with
him...
I made one big mistake though...over new years, I
cheated on him. I had sex with another man. I don't know
why...I suppose it was just there at the moment. I mean
the offer was standing and I resisted at first...inside I
screamed, "No! I can't do this! Not to Jason."...and yet I
allowed it to happen. Mostly I believe I just wanted to
sleep beside him...to be in the arms of a man and be
comforted by a warm touch and soft kisses.
Soon after I began lieing to both myself and everyone
else. I became set on a lie that I wasn't ready for
commitment and for that reason I should break up with
Jason. I will never be able to explain how I could ever
let that though cross my mind...because now, when I face
reality...the only thing I want and need is love...and to
obtain that, you need complete commitment and devotion and
trust.
I broke that trust...but I thank God he forgave me. I
couldn't lie to him about what I did. It just hurt too
much even re-thinking it. I spent so much time gaining the
courage to call him and tell him what I had done...but I
knew I had to...I had to be honest and all I could do was
pray he could ever forgive me.
That proves to me though how much I truly love him...I
could have lied to him and not faced the risk of losing
him...but I love him so much that I could not do that to
him. To have betrayed him...I never thought I could have
done that to him...and yet I did.
Quite contradicting is it not? *sigh*
Once he is here, I will be living in my own
heaven...as opposed to my own hell. Just knowing he loves
me and that he will always be mine and I will always be his
makes my horrible life less like hell. I think of him and
get a goofy grin on my face. I tease him just to hear his
cute voice when he's being whiney. I often comment that he
has a hot ass just to make him laugh and cheer him up. All
stupid or silly things that mean so much to me and just
seem right.
I love him so much and I never want to lose him. He
makes me feel good about myself and encourages me to pass
in life, school...anything I need encouragement in. He
always tells me how beautiful I am even though I disagree.
I think I have a sort of cute face (I suppose) but
beautiful? I don't see it. But damn I'm happy he does.
I love him so much. My heart soars and feels so warm
and overjoyed when I think of him. To imagine his touch,
caress, falling asleep in his arms at night...means
everything to me. I want to be with him forever.

I love you so much Jason.

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aim = i poke fish (don't ask lol)
yahoo = night_shine77
msn = [email protected]


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