Cryfreedom

DE Why Do You Keep Doing This To Me?

01/06/01

Well I guess until digitalexpressions is back up I'm going
to be using this thing as my online diary. Well yesterday
was pretty cool. After we ate pizza for dinner we decided
to go to Kahala Mall so that Jessicaspeers could see boys.
We went there and I guess it was fun. We were just
moseying along inside the mall. I guess it was the car
ride back to the windward side after that really got to
me. While at the mall all everyone talked about was boys.
I didn't really care cause that's why we went for
Jessicaspeers, but when we got back in the car I just was
getting kind of down. I don't agree with a lot of their
views on stuff. I respect their opinion and have in the
past have tried to voice my opinion and sometimes it works
but in the end all they go back to is looks. And when
that's all people are talking about it just gets me really
down. Jess said something about like cute guys dating ugly
girls and pretty girls dating ugly guys and how it's not
right to see them so out of their league. But like I don't
agree with that. I mean if I saw a nice good-looking guy
dating a slightly overweight nice girl I'd think like "hey
that's really cool that he could look past her
appearance." And I've commented before but especially when
it's Alisha, Meg, and Jessicaspeers I'm outnumbered and
they kind of just bash my argument to the ground.
Seriously...if they didn't know me and by some miracle I
was dating a really handsome guy and they saw me they'd say
"eew what's he doing with her? she's so fat and ugly. wow
i'm so lame that even SHE can get someone. why would he
pick her over me...eew." That would really hurt me and I
know that if they didn't say that it'd be running through
their minds like crazy. And I hate that that's how they
think constantly. Plus Alisha and Meg constantly tease me
because I look for personality a lot more than looks. They
just make some of the snidest remarks I've ever heard and I
guess it's cause I laught it off so often that they don't
realize how much it can really get to me sometimes. I feel
like sometimes I'M the one not with the times and I'm the
lame one just for not going for looks first. And even
though they say their joking really it kind of feels like
someone just keeps sticking little pins into me deeper and
deeper. I sometimes don't undersand cause Alisha's been
teased before like I have and probably worse. Why would
she just keep jabbing me with those low blows because I'm
attracted to sometimes somewhat not so good-looking guys?
And after every joke if i retort in anyway she'll be like
on the side to me "you know you've already read my journal
i respect you for looking passed it," but not even an hour
later there's another "personality" joke. It doesn't
bother me as much as I thought it would, but it does get me
down sometimes. I know, I know if I liked myself more then
I wouldn't be so hurt by their remarks but the fact is I
don't like myself very much and it's a fact. But I don't
think my friends teasing me for doing what so many people
say is the better thing to do really helps me like myself
more. It just makes me feel like more of a loser. Plus I
was telling Alisha one night that I was the lamest in the
loser department of all our friends because I've got
absolutely no experience in romance and she just keeps
bringing it up. And i know it's a joke and I do play along
with it, but must I be reminded how horrible my life is
even more? I've already got no love life or history of
one, I've got the wonderful talent to be attracted to not
always handsome men, and with the lame thing being brought
up again I get all of that wonderful pitiful stuff shoved
back in my face. I try to make it obvious that I don't
like Alisha and Meg teasing me about the "personality"
thing, but I don't think I'm doing it too well. I think
I'm being a little too subtle when I reply in sarcasm.
Fuck right now I just hate my life. I hate it so fucking
much. My parents think I need a damn attitude adjustment.
I feel like all I do is a damn failure. I'm in a bad mood,
a damn fucking depressed mood and because I'm not going to
tell my mom "yeah i feel like sometimes my friends screw me
in the ass because i'm a loser" because I know her response
will be "i told you not to hang out with them. why do you
put yourself through it so often? you have to like
yourself more." Well maybe I fucking like to feel like a
damn loser. Or maybe it's because no one else will be my
fucking friend and I'm so used to having friends like this
that I'll put up with just about anything for them. Or
maybe it's because I just hate myself so much that I'll be
anyone's friend because it's not like I can get any other
friends. I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to share it
with my parents because I know what they're going to say
and then I get my father saying "NO ONE volunteered the
kitchen...NO ONE! but don't worry i'm not picking on you
even though you're the only one that can hear me." Great
even more of a fucking failure. I can't get one guy to
take the littlest interest in me, my friends tease me about
that and how I like personality, and my parents think I'm a
no good for nothing piece of shit. And as mad as I can get
at them they're right. I think part of it is that I have
my guards up whenever I'm at school or out with friends
that things that aren't supposed to be mean or hurtful turn
that way for me and I take offense from it. Damnit how did
I screw up so badly? Never in my wildest nightmares did I
think I'd treat my parents like shit, have to put up walls
to protect myself from friends and the world around me, and
be so unhappy with myself that it's probably not too
healthy. Enough writing about pitiful me. I'm done here
now.

Current music: "It Goes to Bed" by Rooney

Current mood: depressed