fucked up
2002-01-07 06:19:18 (UTC)


Hmm well if you've been reading my diary then you know i'm
bi. I have only messed around with one girl. Her name is
Karen. Heres the problem. I thought that i had made sure
that we would be friends if it didn't work out. I really
love her. For me there isn't really that much of a
difference between gilfriend and boyfriend or gf and gf or
bf and br. Only the sexual stuff that seems to just get
in the way anyways. So karen and i tryd it. It
definately was fun :) I realy liked being with her. she
made me happy. She still does. Not sexually just by
being a friend. all my friends make me happy when im with
them. But with karen it was like she was just my friend
for me. Not my friend because i was nice, or i thought of
her, and she didn't have any major problems with me.
Thats what i miss about her. I miss her caring. She says
she still does but she doesn't even talk to me. I really
wish she would. I have so much fun being around her.
This is purly as friends. I have alot of friends being
around sandee and rose too but with karen its like a serene calm
fun. Like thats what its suposed to be. Its great.
She has a boyfriend though and things didn't work out
with us. but now i think that she's afraid of me for some
reason. she doesn't talk to me. I would like to talk to
her to tell her all of this. To tell her that i love her
to death and always will. If something happens again than
good. if not thats fine. I think that she thinks im
having a problem with being friends. And i dont' at all.
I just want to actually be friends. she used to tell me
things but now she wont even talk to me alone. i think
shes scared of me. But thats crazy. It seems like shes
mad at me for somereason. I know that she still cares
though. Not in a sexual way but thats fine. Actually now
that i think about it i don't want anything to happen
anymore. I feel like now that we did shes afraid to sit
by me or anything and feels like im going to try
something. wich i wont at all. i think that at the
moment if she wanted to do something i wouldn't. i want
to make our friendship good again. before we even try to
make it anything els. i felt so close to her before
anything happend. i could tell her anything. and i
thought she felt that she could tell me anything. It was
even closer when we did do something. then i knew i could
tell her anything and she wouldn't even think bad of me.
And at that point im 98% sure she felt the same way. i
try my damndest not to judge people. the good thing is
that i don't even have to try usually. the only point
that i do is if someone is lying. then it gets hard to
judge. i just wish she would talk to me again.
I think i might let her read this. then she would know
that im fine with being friends. actually that thats all
i want right now. Thats all i ever really wanted. The
whole time if something had happend it would just be more
on the top. i am totoally content with being friends with
her. i just wish we were as close as we used to be. I
guess rose was right. she said not to do anything becuase
it would jepordise our whole circle of friends. but i
didn't think it would. i knew that i would be able to go
back to being just friends. the problem is that Karen and
i arn't really friends now. maybe im just overreacting.
shes having a hard time right now. or at least i know
that she was. Maybe she just isn't talking to anyone. I
think i will let her read this. No. what if she thinks i
just wrote all of this to make her think that??? oh yea
cause im just that good. *rolls her eyes* i just want
her to be able to be comfortable with me again. It's
wierd i get this strange feeling from her now. like
a "please don't touch me or talk to me because you scare
me " vibe. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable.
Rose brought up a good point. I said that everyone
needs to sit down and talk again. she said that we should
do it with someone that doesn't have anything to do with
it all. A third person to listen in. The problem is i
don't know anyone that isn't involved somehow. i wish i
still had my theripist coming over. then she could be the
third party. that would be great. but since she doesn't
come over any more i need to find another person. Basicly
this whole thing is about me wanting Karen to feel
comfertable with me. Maybe if i talk to the rest of the
group they can come up with a good third party person. I
just want us all to be happy again.
you know what i hate???? when your intentions are
misinterpreted. That sux all i really want to do is make
everyone hapy. but is seems that people think im doing it
all for my own benifit. the only thing i can think of
that i did for me(other than just stiking up for myself)
is telling Karen that her boyfriend was talking about
kissing someone els. that was just so that i could
fucking be around her without busting into tears becuase i
was keeping a secret from her. i bet her boyfriend hates
me now. thats probably why he doesn't talk to me. oh
fuck. what if they think im trying to break them up? no
thats bull shit. Theres no way. i think that they both
know that i just want them to be happy. fuck. what if
they do though??? that would explain why she feels the
need to stay away and why he wont talk to me. Wait
though. All i am doing is telling the truth. she
deserved to know. i even asked the group of girls if they
would want to know if there man was cheating on the by
someone els if he wasn't going to tell her. They all said
yes. well except rose. she is set on thinking that her
man would tell her. but Karen said yes. she would someone
to tell her. so i did. Well he didn't cheat on her
really. he just kept acting like he was going to kiss
another girl. so i told her. i don't think that there is
any way that she or he could think im trying to break them
up. grrrrr. i wish Karen had a public diary. then maybe
i would know if there was a chance we could be close
friends agian. or if i should just withdrawl myself and
leave them alone. i don't know. maybe i will let her see
this. or just copy and paste some of it to her. no i
wont do that. this is open to anyone. whats the point if
you sensore it. i think ill just give her a like to all
of my entrys and tell her shes welcome to see it if she
wants. if she reads this one then she reads it. if not
oh well. well thanx for reading my ramblings. e=mail me
and tell me if you really think i am crazy.
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