eternalechoe

a net of woven moonbeams
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2002-01-07 04:37:56 (UTC)

i'm not ok

well...this is my virgin attempt at these things...i tend
to ramble so bare with me...
i'm so confused today...someone i thought i was getting
close to is pushing me away...or so i think...we never talk
anymore...not like we used to...i keep waiting for him to
say something or email me or anything..but it doesn't
happen..i think he forgot me...i know he didn't...but i am
so frustrated....i mean i met up with him on new
years...innocent intentions i suppose....and we ended up in
an less than innocent sitiuation...and now hes not talking
to me...who wouldn't feel used...i mean...i'm
scared...because it has been awhile since i did this with
anyone..and well..i almost didn't go...we didn't end up on
the best of terms..and i missed him alot..took some time to
get over him...and now i am back..smitten again..."i look
in your eyes..you have captured me.."
then of course i played my cards..gambled...and lost on
another might have been attempt at happiness...he has the
most beautiful eyes...and i didn't do anything but play
with him...smile at how much he wanted to talk to
me...maybe go out sometime...and i didn't do anything with
that...now hes in a relationship and i feel bad...and i
don't want to tell him that because i want to keep talking
to him...i care about him maybe as only a friend but i do
care...i'm not heartless in my envy of his
relationship...i'm just ashamed of myslef and angry that it
wasn't me...
and i am so afraid of things that might happen...or what
has already happened...someone said something to me today
that scares me alot...they asked me if i thought i was
invincible...and it was then that i really realized i'm not
or i would have deflected a blow like that...said something
cynical and sarcastic and moved on...but i don't have my
friends anymore..they all grew up without me...they are all
in serious relationships with serious turns in them...i
don't want to be a mom right now like kelly, or engaged
right now like jeanie...but i want something that i don't
have...its not somethign i can go to the store and get...i
can't return it when it gets broken...i have to find
it..and deal with it when things go array...i've lost my
luster for life and sometimes i get the fleeting thought of
ending it all...god knows i have tried it before...but this
time i don't wanna do it like i did...but i hurt...and now
i'm just alone and scared and confused....i need something
to get me out of here...someone maybe....i pretend to be
the jovial person that everyons likes but my facade is
crumbling..i need to be me...i just don't know how....


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