Lenore the fool

Steal this diary
2002-01-07 02:14:08 (UTC)

Not happy times.

Okay today was not good. I went over to Dave's house and
everything was fine. We watched Crazy/Beautiful then I
checked my email and got a Social Studies Grade I got an A-
:( not bad i know but i thought I'd have an A. WE started
the next movie we rented The Wedding Singer And that's
when his parents left for a walk. So we sorta start fooling
around and stuff and i wasn't doing anything much to him
because of some other factors then he like pulls off my pants
and starts fingering me and it's going well. I'm feeling
pretty good then he starts to eat me out and i'm okay with
that but start feeling funny and he goes back to fingering me
and it just doesn't feel right anymore. I tell him to stop
and push him back and out back on my underwear then I thought
I heard his parents so I quickly put back on my pants. I was
actually sort of crying but I don't think he noticed and I
went to the bathroom to well go and calm down. When I think
about us together it's fine but we actually are i just get so
self concious. It feels too real. And even now it doesn't
feel so weird but that may because when I had calmed down we
well got hot and heavy with our clothes on but since I was in
like velvet sweats and he was in kakis our parts were, ahem,
close. And I would have suggested having sex excpet his
parents like came home...I don't know what's wrong with
me..actually I do I don't think I'm in love with him. And to
boot as we all know I like someone else. So when he is
willing to like go down on me I guess I freaked. I'm really
self-concious about that in general. I think I might be able to keep
up with this for a while. I do care for Dave just not the same way I
used to but I don't want to hurt him anymore. He was in so much
pain...it won't kill me to be in pain for a while til he realizes we
aren't going well. Besides he can help me grow in ways some people
can't so i'll be better for myself and feel more confident in other
relationships. You should see how happy he is now. I missed that
Dave. I wished I could keep that part of him with out dating him. But
if wishes were horses....all beggars would ride. In general I'm just
sort of confused so I write. I wish I could trust my friends with
this...but i think most them would just get mad. Anyway I can't think
of anything more to write right now so I'm off.