Sweet Child

Sweet Life
2002-01-06 22:15:39 (UTC)

Walk to the end

A few days ago, a very good friend told me something.
Something that I wanted to know. Something that I needed to
know. But something that hurt to know. What she told me
makes me question myself. How could I have been so blind.
If that was true of him. Why didn't I see it? I kills me to
think of that picture. Of him & her. Together the way I
heard. It's painfull. Just like the picture is sucking the
air out me. The life too. The picture is sharp & cuts me up
inside. Lies. All they were was lies. Subconscious lies.
Nothing was real. It was all fake. Or was it? I guess I'll
never really know the whole truth. Until I die.

School is tommorow. I just want to get Monday over with.
That first day. Having to hide more than I have ever had to
hide before. It will be hard. People not knowing what's
really inside. But I have... well I can't really think of a
finish to this sentence. I want to say moved on. But then
that will only mean I had gotten over a someone. I want to
say gotten over things. But then that will mean that I
accepted them & moved on. Which leaves me back where I
started. So I will say have grown. As pathetically
spiritual as that may sound it's not. As a matter of fact I
have things under control right now. But my problem is, I'm
not going anywhere.

I feel that it is time for me to become that independent
person I know I am. As in letting go of all my losses. And
striving to gain. Because if I don't try my hardest I won't
gain a damn thing. The sad part about that though is in the
end, it won't matter. No matter what I do, or say, it will
all have just been a big waste. Like the past. A waste. A
dirty, filthy waste.

I hope that everyone will be okay without me. Because I am
giving them all up. Especially the ones who are already
gone. I trust now that everyone will be just fine.
Understanding my descision. Trusting me that I made the
right choice.

For peoples lives will be better without the things that I
hold. Now it's about living how I want to live. And when
want to live. I know that sounds selfish but they are
better off without what I hold.

I am not happy. I will never be again. But I am satisfied
with how things are going. I am content & are working my
way up to the next best thing. Because I have found the
best. But once it's gone, it's gone. Normally one shouldn't
give up so easily. But I now understand. I understand why,
on my half. I understand what I did. The things I did, I
did purposely, but I didn't know I was doing them. I forced
myself to give up this thing so right. I had the control
the entire time & didn't even know it. I controled the
beginning & I controled the end. Now I control the
aftermath. The wake.

I guess that's all really I have to say. I know what to
expect. Not the worst, or the best, but I expect what I
want. And I will see to it that I succeed.

The End