imgodandyournot

harshmellow
2002-01-06 17:12:19 (UTC)

i live to watch you fail, i am the wind in your sail

at 20 of 12, i am still in my pajamas.. typing away,
looking for five scientific articles to summarize and react
to, due tomorrow. so far i have..... no articles, and a
broken printer. is there any good reason that no one told
me they were due tomorrow until friday? that kind of pisses
me off right there. oh well, i'm already going to fail
biology so i guess it's alright...

all morning i've been listening to lagwagons 'wind in your
sail' ..it's a really great song. quite aptly describes
how i'm feeling right now about a lot of people that have
really fucked me over.
'i know you.. hours of madness, years of dysfunction, the
deepest embitterment, no will to strive or achieve, this is
how i feel, this is how you left me blue, as i crawl back
to you...' it's true, everyone keeps hurting me, but i
just keep crawling back for more. how can i break this
cycle, surround myself with positive people that are going
to love me and help me be happy, instead of just ripping my
worn and bloody heart out and fucking stomping it under
their boots?

it's amazing how empowering the click of a mouse can be..
pissed off, i *gasp* deleted shihab and car out of my buddy
list. not like that directly affects either of them, and
not like shihab would really give a fuck, but it made me
feel good, made me feel like, ha! in yo face! but at least
he knows i'm mad at him now.. cause last night i told him i
was sorry for freaking out on him, but that he would not
believe how mad i was at him, and i'd talk to him later,
like in a couple years when i get over it. all he really
had to say was, well, if that's what floats your boat, i
understand. which of course only made me angrier, but oh
well. why do guys get to have the ability to not show how
they feel at all, whereas i wear my freaking heart on my
sleeve? although with shihab, that probably is how he
really feels, i honestly can't see him caring enough about
me as a person to care that i'm mad at him. so i guess
thats it...

carly, she'd be offended to know i took her off my list,
just cause we've been pretty much best friends since she
got the internet, even though we live 2 hours away from
each other and we're cousins. but she doesn't care either..
it's not like with my real friends, like leah, where if i
tell her my problems she'll try to understand, sympathize,
help me, give advice if i need it, stuff like that. and i
do the same for her. but with carly it's quite different. i
take last night for instance. i told carly about this
website i found where you could easily make buddy icons
cause she asked me where i got mine when she got on. then
like an hour later, i told her i wasn't really friends with
shihab anymore (she talks to him sometimes too) and she
demanded to know why. she couldn't believe it. so i told
her my whole problem with shihab thing, and some other
stuff that's making me really unhappy, and she didn't
respond. about 10 minutes later she was like, so what was
the address to that buddy icons site again? i was so mad..
it really sucks when you tell something that means a lot to
you to someone and they don't even care. and the address to
the site is buddyicon.com but i told her i couldn't
remember. so there. :p




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