camicazy

Real freedom

to those who've read my past entries, you know that i am
someone who feels caged in and locked up simply because my
parents control my life and make all my decisions for me. my
parents ruin my plans, rain on my parades, and basically
destroy me. to those who've read my past entries, you know
that i long to be free. you know that i am a sparticus. i've
tasted life without my parents and i love it...every single
minute of it.

one of my teachers back in high school -- sir menguin --
once told me that real freedom is not in the circumstances
and situations of your life. real freedom lies in you
yourself...your soul, your mind, your spirit. real freedom
is when you quiet down and listen to your heart and find out
what it really wants. listening to the heart doesn't mean
listening to the emotions. it simply means...listening to
the heart.

real freedom is when you find out what your heart wants and
you do it. real freedom is when you don't tie yourself with
what the world thinks...and real freedom is when you simply
release your spirit and let yourself fly.

yesterday, when i was writing on my journal (a notebook, not
this online one), i wrote down my fears and my anger. i put
into words my bitterness, my frustrations, and my cowardice.
i am a rebel, but i am only a rebel in thought...not a rebel
in action for i have no guts. no guts at all to go against
my parents' wishes.

i wrote and i wrote and i wrote. i wrote till my hand ached.
i wrote till page after page was filled with my clumsy
scribble and my twisted thoughts. i wrote till i felt like
crying, till i felt like screaming, till i felt like dying,
and till i felt like quieting my feelings down and realizing
what i would become. you see, as i wrote, i set myself free.

i've realized that i don't have to live to please others. i
don't have to live a life that seeks the approval of the
people around me. i will live the way i want to live my
life. i don't care if they think i'm rude, or bitchy, or
snobbish. i don't care if they think i'm pretty, or smart,
or cheerful. i don't car if they think i'm boring, or ugly,
or irritating. i will just be me. camicazy. i am defiant,
rebellious, explosive. i am camicazy. i am suicide.

i will be nice when i choose to be, not when people expects
me to be. i will be friendly when i want to, rude when i
choose to. i don't have to answer to anybody. i answer to
god alone and not to my parents, nor my relatives, nor my
friends, nor the strangers who walk the same street and ride
the same car as i do. i answer to god alone. i am
accountable to god alone and nobody else.

to my parents, i wish to say that i am not your puppet nor
am i your dog. i am not here to entertain you or your
friends. i am not here to be shown off like a car on
display. i am not here to be pushed around and controlled. i
am a human being; i have my own mind, my own heart. let me
be. respect my privacy, respect my life...and i will respect
you as well.

i am sick of this masquerade...this charade. i don't wish to
pretend any longer. let me grow up. release me from this
madness...let me find my own way, my own strength, and my
own hope.

i am already free. perhaps my parents still control me and
live my life, but i am already free. i know what i want and
i will get it. i will not live like my parents do. i will
be who i feel like being; and i will not care what you or
your friends think. i will be me.