Ad 0:
2002-01-06 14:28:27 (UTC)


Well, I don't really have much to say, but there is
actually something that I could be saying. I don't want to
go all into detail about it because maybe it's not much to
tell. I'm thinking about making this thing private again
because a lot of what I say is just meant for me, and
although no one really reads this thing.....I'd just rather
keep all of this to myself. So this could be my last public
entry. Right now, I'm kinda in a.....I don't know what kind
of mood it is. I have to go to work with a f-in' hickie on
my neck. I could try to hide it, but Brian comes back today
and is suppose to be coming to see me at work. So, what
should I do. Also, I tried.....I really did. I wanted it
more than anything, but it didn't turn up this time.(This
is only for me to understand) It felt so.....man, I don't
know. Even though it wasn't all the way.....my gosh! I
think my heart was beating faster than what my body could
keep up with. Normally it was just uncomfortable, but this
time it hurt. But I still wanted it more than anything.
It's just like trying to fit a square block into a circle
hole. That's the best way to describe it. The feeling of
trying though was absolute delight. If he hasn't given up,
then I do. Trying???? It's become kinda old now. After so
many times, you can no longer do it because it just seems
unmeant to be. Even though it's what you feel should
be....it isn't. That's the part that hurts the most. When
you want to belong to someone, just in a physical, sexual
kind of way, you want everything to work out. I guess its
only my fault this time around. Pain doesn't normally get
the best of me and it still hasn't, but I bow out. I can't
really say that another time won't come around, but I
honestly don't see it happening. :( :( :( :( :(
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

No matter how gay this sounds, I'm going to go ahead and
say it because I have to get it off my chest. He is
beautiful. I don't think I've ever seen him all the way
naked until last nite. Goodness.......oh how I love your
brown skin. He looks so beautiful sleeping....he snores
like hell though(LOL). His skin isn't rough at all. I could
just cry right now. Why is it so complicated?????? :( :(
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Sadly, *MS. J*