squish

squishy
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2002-01-06 09:46:01 (UTC)

jerk

just talked to T just now. well, finally getting some
things in the open between the both of us. i feel like such
a fool and i hate myself for being such a weakling. i
dunnoe how to explain how i feel really...

he's pushing me away and yet wants me back... for sex. he
keeps asking me to go look for other guys, better fish out
there to catch... and then he keeps making suggestive
sexual remarks. i hate it i hate it!

okay, so we didn't really have a relationship. we just
didn't know how to take things from that point. and we
weren't sure how each other felt i guess. he didn't know
wat he wanted and he tot he was too crazy for me and he
felt that i was too nice for him and he was afraid of
hurting me. that was sweet in a way.

so there was sex.. and then the long absence... and then
now, we are starting to talk again. and now and then, we
will talk about something sexual. and i can feel that he
wants me back somehow, but i think it is only for sex. shit.
i want more than that. and if he wasn't able to give me
that, i dun think i want him back. and then on the other
hand, i wondering if i should give in to him and then see
how things proceed on from there.. maybe there's a chance.
yeah, i noe, i'm really weak. i hate it when i'm like that,
when i'm not in control. it really sucks.

and then we were talking about our last 'hanky-panky'. i
dunnoe why we were talking about it.. he just asked. i
did'nt want to tell him cos it was just only a couple of
weeks back. yeah, i noe... girls.. trying to seem more
innocent than we seem. so i asked him why he wanted to know
and i asked him how about him instead? turned out he was
having something wif some girl a few months back. but it
didn't work out between them cos she was too suspicious all
the time and he got fedup. dammit. there he is having fun
and here i am wallowing in my misery. i noe, i had my
affairs too, but i was really in torment over him even
though i had my own flings. and he didn't seem to care. it
really hurt deep inside me. i wasn't even looking around
for another guy to be with. there was only mr pe. and mr pe
had his other girl. sob.
i wish he wouldn't push me away like that. i wish things
weren't so complicated... sigh.

i am off to see another fren now to seek some sympathy. i
hope i dun cry in front of her.


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