voice of a mute
2002-01-06 09:03:49 (UTC)

Slowly I long

For some 'semblance of a life i had falsely hoped for. Now
halfway into my junior year in HS, happiness has seemed to
have aluded me for my first two years. I fell short of
attempting to live up to rediculous standards that i can
never achieve. towards the beginning of this year, i found
my self truly happy, now it seems, with pressures from
school, basketball, and my church, that its slipping away.

Don't get me wrong, I love all 3, but the latter has
offered up some awkward problems especially in the last
couple of weeks.I haven't been truly happy in my church for
months, part of me argues this is because of my
unwillingness to conform to "godliness" the other side
argues that the whole thing is a farce. Questioning
spiritual topics is nothing new for me, it seems this time,
however, I have failed to produce a reasonable answer to
satisfy even my self. And what's causing all this doubt?
Satan? Reason? Truth? Maybe even God himself trying to call
me up from a misunderstanding of his word? The line
becomes so blurred. If i go to a different church will
this doubt stop? or perhaps if i try to find God on my own,
as has been the advice of many outside the church.

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