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2002-01-06 06:45:10 (UTC)

He Touched Me First With His Eyes and then...

As you know I have been having trouble in my marriage of
7.5 years. For some reason I am not feeling close to my
husband it is not there and I do not plan on going anywhere
I just wish he was honest with me. I guess some men feel
they can not be.

Well he leaves me all the time. We work different shifts
and we hardly see each other which would not be a problem
if he still made the attempt to get with me. I mean dates
and spending time with me but he does not he is not into me
at all. He just leaves early Sat and Sun with some tired
excuse that he is going over to whoever house - it is
football or basketball games or something close to it. I
have children and I love to spend time with them at 14, 11
and 2 I realize that I do not have much time with the first
two they soon will not want to be with me getting so big
and grown so I try to get in whatever time we have now. I
love them so much.

Anyway enough of the background I need to tell what happen
to me on today. I do not drink or anything else for that
matter. I do not go to clubs so I do not know
the "happening places and I really do not have any male
friends anymore. I use to like having guy friends because
they are better to me that women - they gossip but
differently, they get jealous but it is totally different.
Now, I have hardly none. Today my husband left today and I
slept most of it away - he is use to leaving me and seeing
me again at night when he comes in. I called him after
waking up and feeling neglected - I made up in my mind to
go to see Ali and to the book store woooooo what a night
huh? but he never called me nor brought the car for me to
do so. I paged and called but no return how disrespectful
but he does it.

I got so mad, I walked a pretty good distance to where he
said he would be and I saw the car but he was not around.
I was so tired and it was a good risk because I had on a
very nice suit and it was so dark. I live in the hood -
need I say more.

Well I sat waiting for him to see when would he come and
with who. I got to tired and cold I left. I went to the
store to do something that I know was not good. I went to
get something to drink. I justified it by saying a little
wine is ok. I hestitantly walked on the isles that had so
many wines, coolers and so on that it was hard to chose. I
like Alize I wish it was less expensive it does not cost a
lot but I want it to be like a 2 or 3.00 drink but anyways
I looked up and down it is ironic because I ran into my
husband friend for all I know they all could be somewhere
together but I did not ask - then this guy came down the
isle and he looked at me it was sort of strange because he
looked at me again when he came back. I felt a little
magnitism there but I blamed it on my desire for my
husband's attention and just was not getting it. He then
passed my way again and I just confidently browsed more.
He then asked what are you doing tonight? I responded - I
do not know, I am trying hard to find out right now. He
asked was I looking for something in particular, I replied
a nice wine that's soothing and delicious he suggested that
I try a wine that I had not heard of and seeing that I only
had a little money - I just thanked him. He then stood by
me while I decided. I picked up Alize and he followed me
to the check out stand. It was so crowded he stood so
close in the line that he rub up against me. I did not
look back nor did I say anything and he took his hand
around my waste and sort of held me. I then moved a little
and he moved slightly also. I walked slowly out of the
store after thanking him for his help and he caught up and
asked if I wanted to come where a couple of friends and he
had met - I explained that I did not think that was safe
for a lady and that I would pass by and check things out
but no promises.

I did so it appeared to be cool and I went in. I had never
did anything like this before - I let go all of my
inhibitions and just went. He seemed glad - it seemed
cool. There was a couple of ladies and more guys but it
seemed to be very mellow so we sat down and he offered me
some of the wine he had bought. I wished that I would have
gotten some this was nice. After just talking for a little
while he asked if I wanted to go outside on the patio it
was a cool breeze going on and more privacy. We did there
was nice pool outside and because of the lighting it seemed
like a small lake - the way the lights glissend off of the
water was pretty. He looked at me in away that I had not
been looked at in soooooo long and he came close - what I
was thinking about I do not know because I came closer
also. I did not know if the guy knew my husband or
anything and I sure did not. He began to kiss me on my
neck and I permitted it. I did not stop him at all. I
kissed him on the lips and immediately he responded. I
have missed the attention and the thought of someone being
attracted to me. I get compliments but this was
different. My husband and I still meet each other
intimately but hey that is not enough for me. There is
nothing worse than a lonely wife. I could feel him
unbuttoning my pants and then my zipper. I felt strange
and hesitant but not enough to make him stop. He took them
down and then his, all the while he kept that same look
that drove me crazy. I felt better than I had in long
time. In the end I felt guilty and lost but he felt that
and kissed me and said, I know it is ok, I knew when you
were in the store - I could feel it. Any man who does not
want to keep you all to himself and do everything in his
power to do so is crazy. He guided me to the restroom
without going back into the house. I freshend up and he
walked me into another room. It was so crazy because it
was afterwards we begin to discuss who we are. There was a
brief introduction in the house but nothing in detail. I
spent the next hour answering his questions and then his
turn he answered mine - I do not know if true or not but he
seem to be answering quickly without any reluctancy. We
spent over 3 1/2 hours in that room. He told me that his
girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him because she had
graduated from college and finally got the job she was
looking for and told him that she thought they were
incompatible and she would pay him back for all the money
he had invested in her educational endeavors he said it
happend two weeks ago and that this is is first time
accepting his friends invitation to come out. This is why
they were happy to see him with someone because they
figured he was still alive. He said, he was taking classes
at the community college and that he was a Salesman for
Canon. He brought home pretty good money and it supported
her until now - but now it was not good enough. I told him
that I was married and that my husband did not find me
interesting nor attractive. He does not say that but I am
going according to his actions. He takes me for granted
and the last time we separated he did not understand that
it was for this very reason. He still holds it against me
and that I believe that is one of his reasons or excuses
for doing me the way that he is. He asked if he could see
me again. I did not know what to do say. My first thought
is did I really want to start something - my next thought
is thinking about for the last month that I have not had
anyone anyway.

Do I or don't I? My husband has not made it home yet. He
may not know that I have the car so he will have to do what
I did walk or get someone to bring him. Well. All I know
is that I want to be loved so badly that I just might.

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