fucked up
2002-01-06 05:04:43 (UTC)

i knew it

LOL I knew it. My best friend did like my bf. Well eric
and i arn't exactly going out again. i told him that i
just wanted to be friends first. He said he would try but
he isn't acting like were just freinds so well have to see
what comes of that. Oh but sandee went over to his house
to talk to him. that really pissed me off becuase she
kept saying that me and my other friend were boring. It
was just pissing me off. I know that she just sayd that so
that he would come and pick her up so that they could talk
but it still made me feel like shit that she didn't want
to spend time with me. I felt so abandoned when she
left. he came to my house to pick her up. He didn't even
come in and say hi. I know that i shouldn't expect him
to becuse i ripped his heart out and threw it in a
blender but it still hurt me. Doing that hurt me just as
much as me breaking up with him. if not more. It pissed me
off. A couple days before i started cutting myself
again. Its just too much shit to handle. My best friend
came down from cananda a couple days ago. I love her to
death but damn. She has put everyone on edge. I'm scared
to talk to her half the time. All of my friends in our
emediate circle know how to talk. When something makes us
mad we talk to each other. We know that the other person
might not want to talk, and we know to save what we say
untill we aren't mad anymore. Holy shit this girl is
bringing so much shit with her. I swear wherever she goes
theres this trail of shit that follows her. It isn't her
fault i guess. I don't reallyt know whos fault it is. I
think its a little bit of everyones. Let me give
examples. First off she came here whith a boyfriend in
canada. When she had went back to cananda the first time
she had a fience and when she came back they just picked
up like they were never apart. I do like them together
but god damn it i can't fucking stand that she waited for
over a week to break it off with the guy in canada. But
get this. As if me and eric not being together wasn't
emotionally fucked up enough. She had sex with him. I am
not mad at her. In a way im kinda happy for him. BUt now
i am afraid to ever have sex with him. Although i messed
around with a girl there are almost no ways to get any
std's from what we did. there is a little chance but he
fucked her. And i don't have any idea if she has any
std's. Im kinda scared of that. As much as i love her i
wouldn't do anything to put myself in the chance of
havning an std. I don't know how to tell eric. he is the
only guy i've ever had sex with. We lost our virginity to
each other. but now hes had one more lover than i had.
It kinda worys me. just becuase he has a chance of
haveing an std now. Before we were almost 100% protected
by it. Shit. What happens if she turns up pregnant. I
know that it wont happen but just think about it. I don't
know what i would do. And what about her feince. I love
him to death and while i don't want him getting hurt at
all...he do not agree with secrets being kept from him. I
don't know what to do. SHould i tell him?? although it is
not my job to tell him he does need to know.
What the fuck. I hurt everyone without even realizing
it. Apaerently my attitude hurts sandee. the fucked up
thing was that she said that she was feeding off my
emotions when she went to the hospital. What the fuck is
that????? she went in before i did. she started flipping
out before i ever did. So if anything her emotions
magnified mine. But i will not blame anything i did on
anyone els. I did them. No one els. She actually said
that my emotional bull shit was tearing everyone apart
yet it is was fine untill she came down. She apperently
gets mad becasue i cry about everything. WOW!!! I
thought that she was the one that told me to let out all
of my emotions. Not to hide them. Yet she gets mad when
i do?? thats bull shit. Not only becuase im just taking
her advice. but becuse she's getting mad that im letting
out my emotions. that makes no sence. But i guess it
does to her.
My friend made a comment about me obviously needing to
have a jernoul if all this shit flows out like it does. I
guess i just proved her point.

Ok now for the actuall intro. I am 17 i live in
austin tx. I am aobut 5'4 and a little over weight. Not
that bad though or so i hope. It doesn't really matter
that much to me. I have blonde hair although lately i
have been dying it lighter than it really is. Eric was my
boyfriend for a year. We started going out dec 3 2000 and
broke up dec 31 2001. day before new years. pretty shitty of me
huh. My best friend from canada is
Sandee. my other best friend is Rose. She is 22 or 23
now. I forgott. MArs is the other best girlfriend i
have. she is 19. We messed around a couple times. Her
boyfriend Garrett has been my friend since 1997. I still
love him to death. We went out for a couple weeks but it
didn't really work out. Brad is my other friend that is a
boy. Hes a big guy like 6 ft. He has been my friend
almost as long as garrett has. Garrett introduced us.
Sandee moved down from canada for about 2 years but then
got deported 6 months ago. SHe is down for a visit. Brad
and rose went out for a year but they broke up a few times
during the fling. Brad says its becuse rose called
him "erik " (her ex who she is going back out with
currently) during sex. She doens't believe that one bit.
I believe then both to a certain degree. Brad says it
happend everytime he broke with her. THat was the reason
they separated. Rose knows for a fact that that isn't
true because half of the time he broke up they haddn't had
sex for about a week before. ok i have to go. Someone
reply if you are actually reading all this shit that goes
on in my head