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2002-01-06 04:25:03 (UTC)

Why didn't I?

I went out tonight. I don't know what I was thinking most
of the evening. Some of the really dumb things that ran
through my mind. Things I know I don't want to do. And
yet tonight they seemed like such right things to do. I
just want something to quiet my mind for a while.
Something to keep me from thinking. My mind is on fire. I
just want something to dull the flames. Soemthing to keep
them quiet so they don't roar up into a blaze again. I
know it will happen again. Not for a little while yet but
it will come again. Probably after I get back to school.
Exactly when I don't want it to and don't need it to
happen. Every time it does, it gets harder to hide. I'm
not sure if that is because I want to hide it less or
because it is just getting worse and harder to hide. I
hide it because people don't understand it. Not that I
claim to, but others only see that I am sad. I am sad.
But it's more than that. It's more than sadness. I can't
put a name on it though. I can't make up a word to descibe
it. It's just what it is. All that matters is that I know
what it is. Although I wish I didn't know it so well.
Right now I talk as if am so detached from it. I have
clarity right now because the fire has died down for now.
One of those times where I can look from the outside. I
don't think Janice understands. She thinks that my
depression is caused by my family and whatever else. She
doesn't understand that if all that is taken away, I will
still be this way. I will always be this way.

I am going to dinner on Monday night. I want to talk
honestly with Elizabeth. I want her to read this. I want
her to read all my journal entires about the bad times. Of
all the people in the world that I could pick to talk to, I
know she will just listen and understand. And she will
give real advice. Not this, trust God and everything will
be great crap. Sure, trust God. Nothing wrong with that.
But faking like everything is great? That is not real.
That is a bit of wishful thinking. We will have a talk
over dinner. I am sure of it.

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