Don Juan

2002-01-06 04:02:22 (UTC)

Memories Lost

Ya know folks... sometimes the memory of someone is worse
than the loss of them. There are so many people that I
have lost that their memory is much harder to deal with
than the time I delt with mourning my loss.
First: my Lynn. She was so wonderfully splendid. I loved
her with every part of my being. She was perfect, she was
so perfect. Her memory might be the hardest on me, or
maybe it's the memory of who I used to be that hurts so
much... I was so very different then.
Then Andi: she was the first person I lost due to death.
She died on January 8th of last year. She wasn't as
special to me as someone might think considering the
depression that her death unmercifully flung me into. But
just something about her not being around anymore hurt me
terribly. Something about her always called out to me that
we were kindred spirits, she was so much like me. Her
memorial service was held on my birthday... it wasn't such
a good day. As that day comes around again this year... I
can't help but to think of how my life would be different
if she were still around.
Then there was Crystal... I still can't say much about her
because it hurts too much. I haven't spoken to her in a
year... the last time I did was on my birthday and the only
conversation there was a simple "Happy Birthday" and a
"Thanks." Out of all my 'conquests,' she ment the most to
me. I didn't want to get into her pants, I didn't want to
hurt her, I didn't want anything from her except her love.
Hardly a day gets by me that I don't think of how I could
have done something different with her. But with the way I
am now, I have no right to even say her name.
The rest: Rosie, Stephanie, Mhailene, Hope... they all
stand in my memory as a loss, but something in my mind says
that it's better for me that it ended with them... except
Hope. Hope's too... too something for me I think. It's
not a flaw in her character or anything, but I can't seem
put my finger on it. Maybe it's that she's too good for
me, but with my state of mind most of the time everyone is
in that category. I don't know what it is about her...
just something tells me that it's better for me to leave
her alone. Maybe my subconscience thinks I might want her
just to ease my lonelieness, but I don't. The subject of
her boggles my mind too much.
Then Matt... everytime I go downtown, I expect to see him
around teasing someone for being short (he was 7'4). He's
another loss due to death... out of everyone I knew... I'd
have never thought he'd be the one to leave first. He was
a true friend to everyone he knew... no one that knew him
could ever forget that gentle giant. His memory is hard to
block... impossible is more like it.
Memories are a terrible thing to try to forget.