noctisplendor

beginning with words for hillbilly

"i didn't have my phone for the last couple of days."

well then fucking call me from a payphone. its not that
hard. believe me, even he should have pocket change. i'm
supposed to see him on monday. we'll see. if i don't i'm
gonna kill him, i hope. and what the hell you don't just
give someone your cell phone?!?!?! but my mom was right.
i'm still too much in love with him, or a dream (i think
its the dream more than anything), to be able to stay
pissed at him. AAHHH. becasue underneath everything there
is always the worry that he's gone and gotten himself
killed. thats always the biggest concern, that the idoit
didn't pick up cuz he was laying in a hospital bed dying
and no one told me. (if he was and i knew, i'd sleep there
too.)

i get to see the guru tomorrow. COMPUTER!!! and a free
printer. to bad that did'nt come along in october. i hope
tom and i have a chance to talk. we've been playing phone
tag for 3 days. i love guys. i have problems with them
and phones. at christmas, guru was a little worried about
me. ex was supposed to be there. and he wasn't. i think
he put two and two together that the happy couple he saw in
october at the wedding (not ours, my cousin's) was just a
mask, a game ex and i were playing. and it was. it had
been for 2 months. it continued for annother 2. it would
have continued through the new year, if i hadn't decided i
took no stock in my "faith" anymore.

guru is my cousin, 9 years my senior, and for the last
three years, tom has considered me his little sister. i'm
the family member he has chosen to corupt. and damn. he
did a good job. at thanksgiving, when he offered me a
laptop, we sat and argued about religion, god, family, all
that shit. and he said something to me, "religion is for
people that can't face the fact life is a series of painful
events, separated by momentary happiness. and happiness is
just the space between the pain." that made me think, like
only he can. i decided that it was time for me to
reevaluate the beliefes i held, beliefs that were never
really mine in the first place. it was everything i had
been taught for 14 years. things i had tried to separate
myself from for a long time, but could never come up with a
good enough reason. tom found it for me. but there's a
problem there. i'm a theology major. i study god. i
think he/she's cool and all that, but religion and i are
not on speaking terms.

i think i figured out why i write here. its just public
enough for me to get some advice, and private enough for no
one in my house to find it. (or see my "i swing both ways"
sticker.)

tonight, we skate. not ice skate like you'd expect a
frozen michigan girl to do, but rollerskate. i'm roller
blading if they let me. its so much easier.