Realizations of a 24yr old convict
2002-01-05 12:24:48 (UTC)

smile,real life

been hella days I know. No school not much work been
avoiding work. Going to cut my hours way back. Go to school
full time. Its like some bad relationship.
like Im with some girl for awhile and I think oh this is
great and things are fine for a few then I realize it aint
going to work so I break it off. then some party somewhere
I run into her and bam Im hooked. A few weeks later Im like
dam this is pointless and gotta bail knowing its best for
the both of us. Time passes and I see her again and things
are all living through rose colored glasses.
then realizing Ive make the same mistake again and knowing
If I dont just break this off hard then in a month Ill be
back like some sucker. Finally I know what I gotta do just
gotta burn this brige so I can never cross it again never
be invited back. Mabe throw a brick through her car window
or some shit thats unrepairable.
Thats my job I just gotta burn this brige so Ill never
wind up back her playing the roll of some sucker beliving
in it, having hope.

Stepping back latley though Ive remembered life remembered
people and what this lifes all about. Been getting some
time in with the blonde one she is a goddess I dont think
she sees it when she looks in the mirrior but everyone else
does, fuck I do. She makes me smile about this town.
Finally went Ice skating now I can leave this town
happy knowing I got everything I wanted while I was here
Knowing once again this world was built for me!!!!
Ice skating was really the only thing left after her on my
list. Made peace with the family hung with my neice dated
the finest girls in this rad ass town and her the only
thing I thought Id miss god dam godess with some other mans
ring on her finger but now I walk and talk and laugh with
her, You never can tell how the cards will fall.
Now i get to kiss her mouth the mouth that utters words,
says things "thanks hun"like some god dam truck stop
waitress Oh and she calls it the market no she didnt go to
the store She was at the market!!! I love that shit I
could just chill out and watch and listen to her and forget
the world.
I dont take her home or get to hold her and wisper sweet
dreams in her ear before she drifts off to sleep.
I cant do it I dont know what road I walked that gave me
this conscience mabe its just her I know its really just me
I went through all this on the phone today with my favorite

Heres the delima of life, when to drop the lug that I used
to be a savage.theres no right way to ease into a
conversation that you spent a few years in the joint.
And I dont really care I wouldnt change it for the world
that part of my life the things I learned, all my
boys,everything.. But society puts such an influance on
crime and punishment and media and it effects people no
matter how open minded you think you are. Mother culture
speaking in your ear all day about it you dont even know.
You see em on tv savages, prisions, riots, animals people
to fear.
I know it shouldnt matter its my past and no one feels the
need to lay any other cards on the table. I cheated on my
whife, drink to much, cant hold a job,dont pay child
support,slept around all this all these things I dont know
mabe those are bad examples but Im tired. Anyway theres
none of those things that are going to come with such an
impact as Im a convict cause when that one falls the whole
world changes in peoples eyes.
Whats the point I guess this, I cant do it cause if I do
and the time passes and somtime shell know then its this
huge break of trust issue. And I cant have that Im probly
the most honest person I know and I cant have it on my head
to break this girls trust does this make any sense
I dont know at this point Ive kicked it around so much.

Heres some real fact of life I hadnt really thought about I
enjoy this life I do always have. I spoke with favorite
(L.A. girly) today for a few hours and shes right theres
not that many people who I bullshit with on a real level.
People who really know me I was thinking about kissing her
for some not so obscure reason. And the thought crossed my
mind mabe things are sweeter when tomarro it could all be
gone. I was in the car the other night kissing this blonde
one. Heres the cold fact not to far off either one card
thrown off and heres life.
Tomarro I get up and the parole officers here busting my
chops finds lets say this screwdriver im looking at right
now on my desk(cause I just got this computer put back
together! happy!) So lets says he wants to bust my chops
gives me a violation for it.weapons charge YEAR FLAT.
so now Im back in the california joint. Hit some fucked up
prison yard where theres some tention Next card falls
I dont like the way it looks or the way things are being run
Im up in my cell late night building some bone crusher
mabe just a broke out bed spring with a title 15 taped
around it either way its a peice. they crack the doors and
I put it in some one. Thats prison not cause I wanna be a
savage but thats prison and thats life if you wanna stay
there and live with some respect. Its a different world so
dont judge my actions till youve been there.
Anyways they tack on a few more years jack my ponts and its
off to some serious gladiator shit not a rad ass year flat
mabe a shu term.
Anyways its that kiss, that smile she had, the way she
smelled that Ill have to hold on to remember to cherish
knowming itll be another five or ten till I know that
feeling again.
Ok lets move on to favorite fuck I love you darling
always have you know that always will. If there was a real
list penned some where you know youd be the top of it way
above everyone.And you know Ill call you up darling and
take you on real dates. Bring you flowers all those things,
youve got that comming. It has been along time and 500
miles seems like the distance across the univirse for how
often i see you. Anyways I gotta sleep thanks for the
conversation today and all the times in the past
also thanks for always staying so close to my heart
even far away and when the time passes I never worry about
it your always there somehow close to me and I know when I
hear your voice or see you face there will be that love
that closness there and when things are bad or the days are
long theres always comfort in that, in us, in this
relationship weve got. Love you sweet dreams.....