2002-01-05 11:19:08 (UTC)

My Life

I talked with Mark tonight. I got a lot out, and you have
no idea how great it felt. It's been so long sense I've
just talked about what's happened in my life. And it's such
a weird feeling having all these recollections of things
that I have been through.
I've had things done to me that makes me cry to talk about.
I've experienced some of the most painful things that can
be inflicted on a person. I've witnessed things that no one
should have witnessed period, let alone when I was 8 years
old. There are things that had slowly slipped away from my
mind, and then all of a sudden, memories and nightmares
come rushing to me. There are things that I said to him
that no one else knows, simply for the fact these things
have slipped from my mind to the point I don't even think
of them as a conversation topic. Memories of living with my
father, and dealing with constant pain have all come back
to me. A question was asked, that I never thought would be
so hard to answer. How do I know that Justin and I are
going to be together forever? The only response that I
could give was that I love him, and I don't want to even
try to make it through my life without him. And you know, I
don't know if Justin and I will be together forever, and I
never really thought of it. I never thought us being apart
was ever going to be an option. But I know right now that I
want to be with him forever, and something tells me that
these feelings won't change. It is true that this is the
only long-term relationship I've been in, but I want it to
be the only one.
I remember as a young child having to witness one of the
most horrible things. I always remembered this, but now the
details are coming back into my mind; things that I had
forgotten of the incident. I had stayed the night with my
friend Danielle. She had told me before about her step
father, but I didn't know quite what to think of it. I
mean, I was only in the 4th grade. But anyways, I had
stayed with her, and I witnessed him doing things that no
man should do in front of anyone, let alone children of our
age. He even made sure that we saw what he was doing. We
had gone out to eat, and even on the way to the restaurant
we going to, he couldn't behave himself. He touched himself
at the house, in the truck, basically everywhere. And
Danielle and I were sitting in the front seat while he
stuck his hand in his pants. He left doors open while he
lay in there naked. Looking back on it, I realize now how
sick of a man he must've been. Then I didn't know what sex
was, but I knew what he was doing was wrong. But now I
realize the extent of it, and I feel so bad for not doing
anything. I don't know what I could've done, but I know
there was something I could've done. And when my father
picked me up the next morning, I didn't tell him exactly
what the man had done, but I did tell him I didn't have a
good night. I think now if I would've told him what had
happened, in some way I could've helped her.
I actually cried tonight talking about the things that hurt
the most. Of course, it was things that Justin and I had
done to each other. I guess I never really realized how
much it hurt me even now, until I actually said the words
outloud, and remember words that were said. I forgive
Justin for the things that he has done to me, and I hope he
forgives me too. I won't go into it what has been done,
because I don't need to. But I'm sorry.
Not but one hour ago, I knew exactly what I was going to
write, but now that I've said the worst, I feel there is
nothing more to say. I think maybe I waited too long
tonight to catch it all and write it. All I know is I'm
exhausted, and I'm going to bed now.
Rebecca Shelby Lynn