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2002-01-05 10:40:42 (UTC)

Up All Night and Into the Morning...

Well... I couldn't sleep last night... I don't know why...
I took a couple of pills that might have something to do
with... and I waited on MSN for Ashley until 12:30 a.m. and
she finally got on... her hott cousin Derek is down and I
got to talk to him too... She's giving him my e-mail so me
and him can talk when he goes back to Virginia. There's
this guy I talk to on the computer. Actually I don't even
know his name, but it had been a while since i talked to
him and I got to talk to him from like 11:00 or 12:00 until
3:00. I was feeling really down about Trish and stuff and
needed a friend I feel comfortable talking to about it,
that doesn't see me every day. So I told him all about
Trish and everything and even typed up the note that she
wrote me the day after she had to leave when she came back
to bring her books to see if he thought it was a true
friendship, and he said that I had been blessed. I'd
believe it too. I started crying to. It was the first time
in almost a month. Well at least the first time over her in
almost a month. It's not a bad thing, I just miss her, and
right now I could use her by my side to give me advice. And
I'm sure she could use me. I miss her. I miss the way we
used to talk. And we would hang out together 20 minutes
before first and during break and all during second period
we would sit there and cut up and get in trouble and she
would aggrevate me about David and Steven and then she
would wait with me after 2nd period to see Steven and then
she would meet me after 3rd period and sometimes after 4th.
She was always by my side. I'm still fighting for this
friendship and even though me and Ashley are sorta starting
to get our friendship back, I still think she is trying to
keep me and Trish from talking in a way. I mean... after
her opening that letter and everything. It's just not like
Ashley. I mean, she would at least ask me first, before
going and opening a letter that don't even belong to her.
And what would Ashley have to say to Trish anywayz, the way
I got it was that Ashley didn't like trish that much and
was kinda jealous. I mean, me and Ashley used to be real
close and everything. We'd spend every weekend together and
talk on the phone all the time, and write each other all
the time, but as soon as me and Steven started going out
things changed. I started hanging out with Trish, David,
and Steven. And by the time me and Steven broke up the
first time me and trish had become closer than we ever were
and closer than me and Ashley ever were. Me and trish share
this special bond, it's kinda hard to explain. We think
exactly alike and sorta look alike too, and we tell
everyone we are sisters. Anywayz, the thing with Steven!!!
I still love him... I know what I was doing and I realize
it. But that doesn't change the fact that he's immature and
a jackass. I'm not to worried about convincing myself, but
I wanna convince everyone else that I'm over. Except for
Susan, Amber, Trish, and Krissy. Ashley doesn't care
anymore. That came to late!!! Ya know. The thing is I don't
care. I wanna be with him... He makes me happy, but I
can't!!! I have to many problems as it is and I don't need
to have to put up with worring if he's screwing around or
cheating on me, or if he's gonna break up with me, or if he
loves me, or whatever... so I'll use this diary to release
how i feel about him. Ashley... we were on MSN chatting
this morning and she made me realize that I need to stop
lying to my mom so much and maybe she (my mom) will begin
to trust me again. And my mom... God... I haven't slept
anywayz, and if I wanted to I could, but I don't plan on it
until I get home. She got pissed b-cuz I was on the
computer talking to Ashley and Derek until 4 this morning.
Actually I think she just needs something to bitch about. B-
cuz by the afternoon time she forgets anywayz. She did this
to me last Saturday about dishes or something. It's
bullshit and she knows it. I wished go take her PMS
bullshit out on someone else. I'm also scared. I had sex
with Steven on Dec. 10,2001, and I'm not late on my period
yet because it's not due, but I'm been having these really
weird feelings lately, and I was wandering if anyone knows
what the signs of pregnancy is? And if you do could you
please send me feedback and let me know. Thanks, well later

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