Sara9870

Sara
2002-01-05 09:18:52 (UTC)

love and marriage

yeah i know this a drawn out ongoing topic in sara mind but
what can i do?
was observing jean tonight, at kevins suprise birthday
party, and was marvelling at her, at the shit she has been
through with him, all the angiush he must have made her
feel, and how she still hangs in there.
was thinking at the time that i would never put up with his
shit.
but i have. have put up with his shit. and obviously i know
im never gonna get any thanks glory or anything, for
putting up with anyones shit. and the hard part is seeing
his appreciation for her, seeing peoples appreicaition in
general , for other people... and yeah i dont get what i
want,from certain people, and i guess what ive learned is
whatever. im not gonna. for whatever reason. and i gotta
evaluate, if its worth it , to me. the being invisisble
thing, to people who you really want to be able to see you,
just a little bit, and who just dont. who see thmemselves,
and pretty much everyone else, but not you.

i know its something i have to get used to, i know this
will be a big thing in my life.. i know i am supposed to
inspire. be behind.
kevin asked me if i would leave him if he cheated on me a
bunch of times and i said course i would.
and it meade me start thinking, am i the type to just leave
a guy if he cheats on me? hell no. if it was kevin, yeah,
id leave him. cause i know him too well, and being the
kinda person i am, i would want him to come to certain
conclusions on his own, i dont want to show anyone
anything. "i'll be the last to help you understand" but i
know depening on the guy, how i felt, what i knew, that i
would be willing to sacrifice all sorts of shit, whatever i
thought necessary.
from being friends with kevin ive learned that i have that
in me. he has made me sacrifice everything i believe
friendship to be. i still do it, to this day, and i
probably always will, as long as i am friends with him,
purely cause he has a sara blockade in his mind. and so
many times i just wanted to get him the fuck outta my life,
and all my friends wanted me to as well, but i just
couldnt. and that just couldnt feeeling, i think its being
excersized, for all these years, with this string of guys
friends that i've had, for a reason. obviously, my
husband, or whatever, love of my life, is gonna be royally
fucked up, somehow. if u know me, you know that to be true.
sara, go out with an average normal guy? yeah. i;d be bored
outta my mind in second. i need some kinda crazy genius.
that will fill me in a way that only he will be able to.
and sometimes i think that i dont have that wife shit in
me. i dont have the patience, and the tolerance, but what
it is that i really dont have is the willingness to give
any of MYSELF up for someone else. if i love you, and i
feel it to be right, ill do anything ,ill have endless
patience, because ill be able to see: although this is
hard, it is right.
i just get sad sometimes that this guy doesnt exist for me.
that there just is no such thing as this guy that is at my
same spiritual and mental level, whos soul i will love, and
who will be able to see M E. the odds are always fucked,
but my odds? nearly impossible. i want the next
michelangelo for christsakes.
and all this is arbitrary right now cause honestly, i cant
have a boyfriend right now. i just dont want it. there are
so many things i need to do by myself, and my time, i dont
want it to be spent on one person. but i think a lesson i
will have to learn in the future is that i can be all me,
and still share myself with someone else. but my god, will
he have to be worth sharing myself with. he will have to
compensate for the part that i am sharing, he will have to
do me good. he will have to inspire ME in just the way i
inspire him, not even to do anything great, but at least to
live truthfully.

its hard enough to live truthfully on your own. but not for
one moment, in months and months, have i ever felt that i
was not being me. i am learning now, not specifically "who
i am" cause that no one ever knows, but i am learning about
feeling, and intuition, and the feeling of truth, and i
have been inside of truth for a long time, to know what it
feels like, and to know if i ever fall.
and i am loving my skin, and loving being alive within it,
and i dont feel lonliness on the same scale as i did
before, because i feel more connected to everything. to
Everything.