PoisonedPout

PoiznThoughts
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2002-01-05 08:52:39 (UTC)

Chris...how can I be this pathetic?

...Chris left me...well...the week before Christmas. That
Sunday night...of the week before...he left me. Last time I
saw him was on Thanksgiving. It's now...the week after
Christmas. I've called him a few times...I don't know why I
torture myself with calling him. At least he talks to me
now...and I guess we're going to stay friends but...it
hurts to hear his voice and know that...even though...it
seems like...when we talk...nothing's changed...I know that
it has...and that he's not..."my Chris"
anymore...that...we're not going out...that I can't hold
him and know...that he loves me...and that I love him...and
that our love is going to last you know...I don't
know...I'm still upset. New Years...that was fun...went to
Jeni's...God if it wasn't for her I don't know what I'd
do...my best friend...she's always there for me...when I
really need her. And thank God for the booze...ha...I got
drunk...ended up making out with Justin...I think his name
was...he was a really sweet guy...but I really shouldn't
have allowed myself to do that...make out with him...the
whole night. I wasn't drunk enough to do anything to him
but I let him do what he wanted to do with me. Sorta...I
don't know...I really shouldn't use the alcohol as a total
excuse though...I was thinking...maybe not completely
clearly...but clear enough...I think I'm just trying to get
over Chris...no...I know I'm trying to get over Chris. I
felt so empty after making out w/that guy. Like I said...he
was nice but...I shouldn't have done that. That was the
first time that I've ever just made out with anyone when I
didn't even really care about them. I am going to try not
to do that again. Maybe it's ok for some people but I'd
rather love the person that I'm with. Anyway... I don't
know. I don't know anything right now. And writing in this
thing doesn't help too much...who knows...I don't want to
find someone...well I do...I don't like being alone and
that's part of my problem...but I don't want to do
that "Rebound" thing and find someone...think that I care
about them...and just end up using them to try to get over
my feelings for Chris and feel cared for again...I don't
want to hurt anyone and I don't want to get myself
hurt...Hopefully I'll be ok...I just need time I
guess...and I should probably stop calling Chris...I
know...but I can't help...hoping that one of these times
that I call him he'll realize that he misses me...I know
that's stupid and I know I should stop calling...maybe not
completely but...just stop for a while...I haven't been
calling him that much...bout...once a week...twice
maybe...but...I need time to let myself move on I guess
before I can actually handle a conversation with him
without thinking about him in that way so
much...Anyway...I"m out for the night.


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