Nick's Journal
2002-01-05 07:39:07 (UTC)


The DMV must be HEAVEN.
The more i think about it the more undeniable proof i've
found for this statement to be true. First of all, I
couldn't tell a modern day church from the fucking dmv
anyways, they're both in brownish one story buildings that
look like the larger building next to them took a shit and
that's the remains. So both are the entrance to heaven.
When you come in, the stale smell of sanitation hits you,
and the only thing keeping you from hating that smell is
the pungent smell of the foyer, which smells like a
rotting whale, which must be what hell smells like. Once
you're in you hit a long ass line where a guy at the end
tells you whether to go to the left or the right, left would be when
he says "i don't think you need a new drivers license
because i'm in my 'i hate all carbon based life forms'
mood", so go to hell, namely the foyer in which you become
trapped as the fucking doors are jammed from the cold
or you go to the right which is hindered by the "waiting
area", namely purgatory. nothing can be worse than
waiting at a dmv. you sit, you stare, you're stared at,
you start staring, you make eye contact, and if you're
lucky from there on you and the stranger break eye
contact, and if you're not you end up on the front page of
the newspaper under the headlines 'dmv wait "drives" man
crazy as he goes on a killing spree'. you sweat, you beg
your number to be called. you recount all the horrible
things you've done, like continuing to drive after that
old woman was clearly stuck under your wheel. pretty soon
you've repented all your sins and your number finally gets
called. you sweat as your realize that you must go through
the keeper of the gate. you nervously give your
application and he looks over it, either he disapproves or
rolls his eyes and ushers you in. but then you realize
that you're far from done. now that you're inside you
must abide by the "laws" of the realm. you have to take
their test of rules, and if you miss more than 5 out of 25
or any of the street sign questoins YOU'RE OUT!!!! so you
withstand that torment. then you come into the presence
of god herself. god has a hairdo that looks like she got
it stuck in the fifties and never was able to gain
recontroll of it ever again. god tells you to sit down
and your picture is taken for the records. you get your
own little pass, if she's in a good mood, or else she
pretends that she's never seen you before and your $2
license application fee vanishes without a trace. if god
is nice enough to let you into the utopia of moving
vehicles you still have to abide by the rules. and then
you have jesus.
the second you slip up he's on your ass. meandering
around in his car looking for the "weak" as they peel out
of dmv parking lots because they have to get to work in
five minutes, then take their christing license from them
literally 17 minutes after it was re-issued. so you're
stuck on your cloud, you're in, but you can't move
anywhere. your cloud has broken away from the rest of them
all because you lost your pass.
----apparently running after a beaver and trying to bash
its brains in. translates into a hostile behavior in their
world, for as soon as i thought i'd gotten rid of him, he
came back with his "boys" and i joined the fishes for a
little swim.